Friday, July 23, 2010

Food for thought

"God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them.  ~Author Unknown"

Another reminder.

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.  ~Claudia Ghandi


In February some time I unsubscribed to the pregnancy websites I registered with when I first found out I was pregnant.  Today I get a mail in my inbox from one giving an update on what happens at "33 weeks" and how "your life is changing".  I didn't read the whole thing, my eye just caught that bit.  Where on earth did this come from?  Thanks for another reminder you stupid emailer.  My life has changed alright.  I had to unsubscribe (again).  It felt so weird, like it was meant for someone else and not for me.  You know when you receive something in error?  Clearly a big error.


Oh well, looking forward to date night with my gorgeous husband tonight.  We're going out for dinner.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Some inspiration


We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.  ~Author Unknown
 

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.  ~Barbara Bloom
 

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's already 21st July?


"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you." - Ralph Waldo Emerson (thanks Robyn)

Feels like somehow I've lost a few days.  I've been keeping busy, trying to keep my mind off of things, spending some time with good friends, and my sexy husband.  Some days I feel I need to make the most of my life right now, and others I think I need to relax, and sleep in more.  I'm so indecisive.  I'm also trying to make a digital wedding invite for a friend's wedding next year.  I seriously wish I would fall into a pot of inspiration.

Today I can sit here and say I've realized a few things.  Things I'm okay with.  I'm okay with going to baby showers, I'm okay with going to birthday parties, I'm okay with chatting to mommies and mommies to be about their babies, looking at their photos, sharing the joys of their lives.

I'm not okay with hearing the words "baby dust", that silly imaginary stuff that is meant to bring babies your way.  I'm not okay with feeling miserable as often as I have been.  I'm not okay with silly things people say because they don't know any better.  I don't want to hear about babies being dumped in the trash, as if they are rubbish, and medical waste; or burnt almost to death in their parents' shacks.  I'm not okay with hearing about the abuse of any kind of child.  All these things make me want to breathe fire. 

I've spent some more time at the children's home up the road, something that's very close to my heart.  If I can't have my own babies just yet, I can at least still give of myself to those that need love.  For now they can have me.

I told Dh I've been thinking about doing a bit of research on HSG testing.  It's basically a test where they use a dye to see if your tubes (in my case one tube) are blocked, which can be picked up on a scan.  I think it would be good to know if this tube of mine is in good condition, after being repaired.  Dh is worried that I'm stressing about this, and I'm really not,  the doctor said there's a 25% chance that I will have another ectopic so I'm just trying to find out as much as I can so I know what options are out there.  Dh says that he will love me no matter what, even if the worst happens, what ever the worst is.  AF is probably due around the 30th July, so I can start finding out about the HSG testing in the mean time.

We're going away for a weekend in August. It's Dh's uncle's 60th Birthday, and they are keeping 2 chalets for us at Glory Hill.  One for his mom and dad, and one for us.  It should be really nice. We went to visit them and to stay there for our birthdays last year and had such an awesome time.  Oh gosh... our birthday's are around the corner.

I'll say it again, it's already 21st July?

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Thoughts and Viva Espana!

I haven't felt like writing much this week, but I'm feeling pretty good today, so here's an update.  It's been a long, long week and I'm exhausted.  I've met my all deadlines for quarter end way before schedule, so I'm feeling really good about that.  The next thing on my to do list is to try and wake up early for work (again), and maybe only snooze my alarm once or twice, and not ten times.  I also plan to try and be more positive - but let's take that one day at a time.  Pity parties aren't that much fun after all, are they?  I'm sure I have been a total misery to live with the last while, and all the other feeling-sorry-for-myself days.  My husband, good friends and family have done wonders for pulling me out of my dark hole.


The other night I had another good cry.  I told Dh that I'm sorry, and I can't help the tears.  He just held me and said it's okay, he understands and he loves me, and he will still love me no matter what.  I really needed to hear that.  He said that maybe I will fall pregnant after I've finished grieving, and for now I just need to let it happen.


I've read that the emotional effects of losing a pregnancy can greatly affect a marriage, and that your relationship can become fragile.  To be honest there have been times (recently even) where I felt our relationship was strained, and all too often I think I forget that it was K's tragedy too.  I still feel so angry a lot of the time, and it's not fair on him.   I must just add that I'm blessed to have him in my life. He has done his best to give me grace, space, empathy and in a way I do feel closer to him because of it.  He holds me when I need comfort, and tells me it's okay when I can't see past tomorrow.  He's my strength.  It can't be easy to put on such a brave face all the time.  I'm not going to let this tear us apart.  


Some say that that grief is kind of language - it's feel it's true, it was a language I never fully understood until I felt it myself.  It's made me more passionate.  About life, about children being a gift, about not taking things for granted, about having more sympathy for others who are hurting, and those who are grieving, and passionate about being a mother one day.  


We look fabulous, don't you think? 

  


We have decided (that means me) to start eating a bit healthier.  Dh reckons that maybe if I'm eating more veggies I might start to feel a bit better.  I guess he doesn't really know what else to suggest at this stage.  Got to give him credit for trying.  If I don't get better I will (maybe) think about talking to someone, or taking meds.

I think I need to try to enjoy life a bit more.  Note to self, refer back to this post again (and again and again), remember take it one day at a time, laugh often, and  love my husband, a lot!  

DH bought us some awesome gear today for the final match of the SWC on Sunday.  We are supporting SPAIN!  Viva Espana!  I got a scarf and a flag, and he got a beanie and a flag.   

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Maybe if I whisper, it won't be true...

I went to buy some hpts on Friday, did you know that Clicks now does a twin pack?  


Anyway, I never got to use them.


AF showed up on Friday night, 3 days early.  Maybe if I whisper, it won't be true. 


DH asked me if it's like it normally is, and maybe I can be pregnant because it's early, and I should still do a test.  I said it's never the same, and I am sorry but I'm not pregnant.  What more can I say to him?  It's all my fault, I only have one tube, and I don't even know if the other one is functioning.  I know he is disappointed even though he won't say it, and I can't make it better.  I would have been due in two months.  I had a good cry today in the shower, at least he can't hear me there.


Will we ever get to have a miracle of our own? 


Please God, I can't lose hope now, but today I'm really struggling to hold on to it.


I think I'll have a pajama day for most of today and then we're going to watch Eclipse later, something to look forward to I guess.




When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown