I found out I was pregnant on 31 December, what a beautiful start to the New Year. I was over the moon to be carrying the product of our love. I thought 2010 would be a year of great things, little did I know.
I had a scare, some bleeding in the second week in January. I was rushed to the emergency room. They didn’t do much, didn’t take blood, check blood pressure, nothing. Just an external scan and I was told it’s too early to see anything. So home we went, without feeling any better about it.
A few weeks passed, I reached 8 weeks with hardly any more scares, and for a moment I thought everything is going to be okay. I took it easy, got a lot of rest, didn’t go out except to work. Again I thought everything is going to be okay. I had the symptoms, I did a few more home pregnancy tests just to be sure. I was still pregnant. Little did I know.
On 2 February I was nine weeks along, that’s just over two months. I was so excited for my first appointment on 4 February. Anyhow, this day started like any other, I struggled to wake up (sleep is your best friend when you are pregnant), drove myself to work and continued with the day.
At 11h30 I went to the bathroom. I got a huge fright, more bleeding, but no cramps at all. I should be okay right? I rushed upstairs to make tea for visitors, and as I put the tray down on the table I felt faint. I walked quickly to the bathroom again, just in time for the gush of blood that was about to arrive. With it came cramps, no, huge cramps, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t see. I had locked myself in the bathroom and was wondering how anyone would get me out if something happened to me. I was shaking, sweating, dizzy, feeling faint. More cramps, worse than the huge ones I previously mentioned. I couldn’t cry, I was just in too much pain. After some time, I managed to get myself sorted out, stand up, rinse my face with water and started making my way back to my desk.
I sat down at my desk, the cramps still continued, only getting worse, I couldn’t believe they could get any worse. Someone wanted something printed, and I couldn’t move, I had to ask for help. I was still shaking, sweating, feeling more dizzy than before. I started seeing white spots - I wondered if this is what people call “blinding pain” because that is what it felt like. I phoned Kevin, told him he needs to come and fetch me and that something is very very wrong. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I could hardly talk. People in the office noticed that something was wrong with me, they asked if I’m feeling okay because I was so pale. Pale. I hadn’t even looked in the mirror in the bathroom. Maybe it’s best that I didn’t. I couldn’t say much more than “no, I’m going, I phoned”.
Just then a colleague and friend took my phone and phoned DH, told him she is taking me to the Emergency Room close to work. I couldn’t argue, I just said “yes, please”. She helped me down the stairs to her car, I couldn’t see or walk properly. I flopped into the car, feeling like I was going to die. Knowing that at least the pain would stop if I did die. Someone brought my bags to the car apparently, I didn’t even notice.
It couldn’t have taken long to get to the hospital, but every second felt too long. Every traffic light was red. She told me to breathe, deeply. I did. We pulled up to the emergency ward, and I couldn’t get out of the car. They had to come and get me. I just handed my medical card to my friend and she took my phone as well.
I was wheeled into a little room, and had to answer a few questions. Would you believe me if I told you that I could hardly say my own name? I managed an “I’m pregnant” but that was all I could say. I was so nauseated, but I couldn’t throw up. I couldn’t really do anything. I was taken straight to casualty, where they helped me onto a bed, hooked me up to a drip and checked my blood pressure. My BP was so low the doctors looked a bit worried, I think it was something over 35. I couldn’t lie flat on the bed, I had to keep my legs up cause anything I did just made me feel more pain. They told me they suspect it’s one of two things: Miscarriage or a ruptured Ectopic Pregnancy and if it is the second, I will need surgery. Immediately. They need to stop the bleeding and remove the “baby”. If it is a miscarriage there is nothing they can do except help me with the pain. They were going to send me for an ultrasound to rule one of the two out. Kevin arrived just as they were telling me their what they suspected, I was so relieved to see him. Then it hit me, I will never get to see or hold my baby. Ever. I couldn’t physically cry but the tears were streaming down my face. Some guy arrived to take blood, with his kit. It looked like he was carrying a tool box. I forget the colour. I didn’t even feel the needles going in, neither with the drip, nor the blood. They struggled for a while to get a vein, eventually I had to try pump my hand but not even that worked. The emergency doctor pressed my stomach and I had to tell her where it was sore, it was sore everywhere. I was so thirsty, my mouth was so dry. They told me I couldn’t drink anything before the surgery but I could have a sip of water. I would have done anything for that sip.
I was given some morphine to ease the pain and wheeled down for an emergency ultrasound. They put the sides of the bed up. DH had to fill in some forms so he stayed behind. The nurse and I had to wait when we got there, and she gave me more morphine. I still felt so much pain, I didn’t know where the physical pain ended and the heartbreak began. She started telling me about her cousin who had an ectopic pregancy. I started chatting to her and asking questions for two reasons - one, to try take my mind off the pain and two, in case this was what was happening to me.
Soon DH was there with me, holding my hand. He had a cup with him, with literally a sip of water in it. He tried to give it to me but missed, and I ended up with a wet neck. So much for that. The ultrasound confirmed I had “free fluid” inside, evidence of a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Free fluid is evidence of severe internal bleeding. The radiologist looked further, to find where the rupture was, and there it was, clear as day. On the right hand side, in my fallopian tube. How could this be happening to me? Didn’t I deserve my child? What have I wrong? OMG I have to go for surgery. Now. I wanted to cry but didn’t, I looked at DH to see if he was ok, then I just stared at the ceiling. This was happening to me.
I was rushed back to casualty with the sonar pictures, and diagnosis to wait for the doctor and aneasthetist to arrive. The doctor was there in two minutes. I was happy to see him, if you can call it that. He was going to stop this pain. He explained that I need to go for surgery now, and the nurse had to get consent from me - first for the surgery, and second, If I need blood, so that they can they give me a transfusion. She explained that even though all blood is properly screened and checked, there is always a small risk involved. I gave her a worried look, and she said I am allowed to refuse, but then they cannot help me should I need blood. For a split second I thought, how can I make this decision now? It’s huge. Then I thought, either I die today or I take the blood and take a risk.
I wasn’t allowed to sign since I was drugged with morphine, but DH signed for me. I wonder what he must have felt when he signed. The doctor left to let the nurse undress me. She quickly undressed me and slipped on one of those open back gowns. She worked quickly, pulling my drip bag and chord through, then my arms. They kept asking if I wanted blankets, and I didn’t, I was getting so hot.
I looked at DH and asked “do you think I am going to die?” - I don’t know how he held a straight face, but he said “no, you are going to be just fine”. He then said he needs to phone our family. I begged him not to, but he said he needs to phone. I could hear him where he was talking, sitting on the bench a few steps away, but not properly. I tried to focus on what he was saying but the pain was so intense I could only hear bits and pieces. I heard him sigh, saw him put his head down in his free hand, and then I heard “something is wrong”, “it’s serious”, “they are taking her into surgery now”... A few minutes and the doctor returned, and he cut is call short. I don’t know who he was talking to. The doctor asked if we have any questions. DH asked him to make sure that I can have babies in future, he kind of pleaded with him.
Quickly, they took me into to theatre. They kept saying I was so pale, and my blood pressure was too low. They couldn’t operate until it picked up a bit, and the anaesthetist still hadn’t arrived. The room was bright, with lots of lights above me. The doctor held my hand, rubbed my face and told me to stay with him. The aneasthetist got there and would you believe he took one look at me and said he’s never seen someone as pale as me. I felt someone rubbing my other arm, and a nurse put another needle into my left hand, one into my left arm, and one of those rubber things that measure your pulse on my finger. The one was for the blood should I need it. Somebody was told to fetch a bag of blood out of the fridge and go and warm it up. The other was for the anesthetic. My eyes were getting heavy and I asked for a blanket. The theatre is a bit cooler than the emergency room. The doctor was still there holding my hand. He asked me “Do you believe in God” and I answered “Yes”. He then said “You and I are in God’s hands now”. he aneasthetis started administering the anesthetic and told me to keep my eyes open. I tried, but eventually they just closed.
I’m still not entirely sure what happened just before I woke up in recovery, I was so confused. I thought I pulled a pipe out of my mouth, but there when I looked at my hand there was no pipe in it. I looked up and saw the doctor. I asked him what happened with the pipe, and he asked what I mean, and I then said “nevermind, I’m just confused, I can’t remember anyway”. He smiled and said “It is by God’s grace that you are still here, you lost so much blood”. I smiled at him, and said thank you. I was there for a while until I was completely awake. I wanted my DH.
I had a scare, some bleeding in the second week in January. I was rushed to the emergency room. They didn’t do much, didn’t take blood, check blood pressure, nothing. Just an external scan and I was told it’s too early to see anything. So home we went, without feeling any better about it.
A few weeks passed, I reached 8 weeks with hardly any more scares, and for a moment I thought everything is going to be okay. I took it easy, got a lot of rest, didn’t go out except to work. Again I thought everything is going to be okay. I had the symptoms, I did a few more home pregnancy tests just to be sure. I was still pregnant. Little did I know.
On 2 February I was nine weeks along, that’s just over two months. I was so excited for my first appointment on 4 February. Anyhow, this day started like any other, I struggled to wake up (sleep is your best friend when you are pregnant), drove myself to work and continued with the day.
At 11h30 I went to the bathroom. I got a huge fright, more bleeding, but no cramps at all. I should be okay right? I rushed upstairs to make tea for visitors, and as I put the tray down on the table I felt faint. I walked quickly to the bathroom again, just in time for the gush of blood that was about to arrive. With it came cramps, no, huge cramps, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t see. I had locked myself in the bathroom and was wondering how anyone would get me out if something happened to me. I was shaking, sweating, dizzy, feeling faint. More cramps, worse than the huge ones I previously mentioned. I couldn’t cry, I was just in too much pain. After some time, I managed to get myself sorted out, stand up, rinse my face with water and started making my way back to my desk.
I sat down at my desk, the cramps still continued, only getting worse, I couldn’t believe they could get any worse. Someone wanted something printed, and I couldn’t move, I had to ask for help. I was still shaking, sweating, feeling more dizzy than before. I started seeing white spots - I wondered if this is what people call “blinding pain” because that is what it felt like. I phoned Kevin, told him he needs to come and fetch me and that something is very very wrong. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I could hardly talk. People in the office noticed that something was wrong with me, they asked if I’m feeling okay because I was so pale. Pale. I hadn’t even looked in the mirror in the bathroom. Maybe it’s best that I didn’t. I couldn’t say much more than “no, I’m going, I phoned”.
Just then a colleague and friend took my phone and phoned DH, told him she is taking me to the Emergency Room close to work. I couldn’t argue, I just said “yes, please”. She helped me down the stairs to her car, I couldn’t see or walk properly. I flopped into the car, feeling like I was going to die. Knowing that at least the pain would stop if I did die. Someone brought my bags to the car apparently, I didn’t even notice.
It couldn’t have taken long to get to the hospital, but every second felt too long. Every traffic light was red. She told me to breathe, deeply. I did. We pulled up to the emergency ward, and I couldn’t get out of the car. They had to come and get me. I just handed my medical card to my friend and she took my phone as well.
I was wheeled into a little room, and had to answer a few questions. Would you believe me if I told you that I could hardly say my own name? I managed an “I’m pregnant” but that was all I could say. I was so nauseated, but I couldn’t throw up. I couldn’t really do anything. I was taken straight to casualty, where they helped me onto a bed, hooked me up to a drip and checked my blood pressure. My BP was so low the doctors looked a bit worried, I think it was something over 35. I couldn’t lie flat on the bed, I had to keep my legs up cause anything I did just made me feel more pain. They told me they suspect it’s one of two things: Miscarriage or a ruptured Ectopic Pregnancy and if it is the second, I will need surgery. Immediately. They need to stop the bleeding and remove the “baby”. If it is a miscarriage there is nothing they can do except help me with the pain. They were going to send me for an ultrasound to rule one of the two out. Kevin arrived just as they were telling me their what they suspected, I was so relieved to see him. Then it hit me, I will never get to see or hold my baby. Ever. I couldn’t physically cry but the tears were streaming down my face. Some guy arrived to take blood, with his kit. It looked like he was carrying a tool box. I forget the colour. I didn’t even feel the needles going in, neither with the drip, nor the blood. They struggled for a while to get a vein, eventually I had to try pump my hand but not even that worked. The emergency doctor pressed my stomach and I had to tell her where it was sore, it was sore everywhere. I was so thirsty, my mouth was so dry. They told me I couldn’t drink anything before the surgery but I could have a sip of water. I would have done anything for that sip.
I was given some morphine to ease the pain and wheeled down for an emergency ultrasound. They put the sides of the bed up. DH had to fill in some forms so he stayed behind. The nurse and I had to wait when we got there, and she gave me more morphine. I still felt so much pain, I didn’t know where the physical pain ended and the heartbreak began. She started telling me about her cousin who had an ectopic pregancy. I started chatting to her and asking questions for two reasons - one, to try take my mind off the pain and two, in case this was what was happening to me.
Soon DH was there with me, holding my hand. He had a cup with him, with literally a sip of water in it. He tried to give it to me but missed, and I ended up with a wet neck. So much for that. The ultrasound confirmed I had “free fluid” inside, evidence of a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Free fluid is evidence of severe internal bleeding. The radiologist looked further, to find where the rupture was, and there it was, clear as day. On the right hand side, in my fallopian tube. How could this be happening to me? Didn’t I deserve my child? What have I wrong? OMG I have to go for surgery. Now. I wanted to cry but didn’t, I looked at DH to see if he was ok, then I just stared at the ceiling. This was happening to me.
I was rushed back to casualty with the sonar pictures, and diagnosis to wait for the doctor and aneasthetist to arrive. The doctor was there in two minutes. I was happy to see him, if you can call it that. He was going to stop this pain. He explained that I need to go for surgery now, and the nurse had to get consent from me - first for the surgery, and second, If I need blood, so that they can they give me a transfusion. She explained that even though all blood is properly screened and checked, there is always a small risk involved. I gave her a worried look, and she said I am allowed to refuse, but then they cannot help me should I need blood. For a split second I thought, how can I make this decision now? It’s huge. Then I thought, either I die today or I take the blood and take a risk.
I wasn’t allowed to sign since I was drugged with morphine, but DH signed for me. I wonder what he must have felt when he signed. The doctor left to let the nurse undress me. She quickly undressed me and slipped on one of those open back gowns. She worked quickly, pulling my drip bag and chord through, then my arms. They kept asking if I wanted blankets, and I didn’t, I was getting so hot.
I looked at DH and asked “do you think I am going to die?” - I don’t know how he held a straight face, but he said “no, you are going to be just fine”. He then said he needs to phone our family. I begged him not to, but he said he needs to phone. I could hear him where he was talking, sitting on the bench a few steps away, but not properly. I tried to focus on what he was saying but the pain was so intense I could only hear bits and pieces. I heard him sigh, saw him put his head down in his free hand, and then I heard “something is wrong”, “it’s serious”, “they are taking her into surgery now”... A few minutes and the doctor returned, and he cut is call short. I don’t know who he was talking to. The doctor asked if we have any questions. DH asked him to make sure that I can have babies in future, he kind of pleaded with him.
Quickly, they took me into to theatre. They kept saying I was so pale, and my blood pressure was too low. They couldn’t operate until it picked up a bit, and the anaesthetist still hadn’t arrived. The room was bright, with lots of lights above me. The doctor held my hand, rubbed my face and told me to stay with him. The aneasthetist got there and would you believe he took one look at me and said he’s never seen someone as pale as me. I felt someone rubbing my other arm, and a nurse put another needle into my left hand, one into my left arm, and one of those rubber things that measure your pulse on my finger. The one was for the blood should I need it. Somebody was told to fetch a bag of blood out of the fridge and go and warm it up. The other was for the anesthetic. My eyes were getting heavy and I asked for a blanket. The theatre is a bit cooler than the emergency room. The doctor was still there holding my hand. He asked me “Do you believe in God” and I answered “Yes”. He then said “You and I are in God’s hands now”. he aneasthetis started administering the anesthetic and told me to keep my eyes open. I tried, but eventually they just closed.
I’m still not entirely sure what happened just before I woke up in recovery, I was so confused. I thought I pulled a pipe out of my mouth, but there when I looked at my hand there was no pipe in it. I looked up and saw the doctor. I asked him what happened with the pipe, and he asked what I mean, and I then said “nevermind, I’m just confused, I can’t remember anyway”. He smiled and said “It is by God’s grace that you are still here, you lost so much blood”. I smiled at him, and said thank you. I was there for a while until I was completely awake. I wanted my DH.
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