I still believe

God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.  ~Author Unknown

I've been needing  some inspiration the last while, some days have been better than others.  I found this song by Jeremy Camp, it did me a world of good.  Today I asked myself, if God had to ask me how I feel, what would I say?  I would say I still believe.  

I still believe

Scattered words and empty thoughts

Seem to pour from my heart

I've never felt so torn before

Seems I don't know where to start

But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain

From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness

I still believe in your truth

I still believe in your holy word

Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind

With promises I still seem to bear

Even when answers slowly unwind

It's my heart I see you prepare

But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain

From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness

I still believe in your truth

I still believe in your holy word

Even when I don't see, I still believe

Well the only place I can go is into your arms

Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness

I can see that this was your will for me

Help me to know that you are near

I still believe in your faithfulness

I still believe in your truth

I still believe in your holy word

Even when I don't see, I still believe 

I still believe

* Jeremy Camp

Cherry blossom dreams...

Soon my sister in law will be leaving for Japan.  What a wonderful opportunity!  I'm so happy for her and really hope that she will feel at home over there.  I would really love it if we could visit her one day, in Spring, to see the cherry blossom trees!  I think initially she's going over for a year, and then if she wants to stay she will need to get approval from the committee.  She's going over there to teach English.  I'm so excited for her!!!  


We met for lunch at a Thai restaurant recently, and it was really nice chatting and hearing about everything she's learnt so far, including what to do, what not to do, how to dress, and how to greet and bow.  She said staple diet will be rice, noodles, veggies and sushi.  Apparently she would need to bow lower than her elders.  I hope she will be able to bow nicely, she's quite tall! I also heard that most the keypads at the ATMs are in Japanese!  Hope she learns quick quick.  Imagine being stranded with your new bank card, and no idea how to get your money?


Here are some photos I found on photobucket, doesn't it look beautiful?  I can't wait to see the actual photos she's going to take when she's there.

New Mini and SWC viewing at work!

I was lucky enough to see the new mini the other day.  We had the launch party at work, coupled with Soccer World Cup viewing.  It's amazing what they did with the V shaped grass patch infront of our building!

 

Old people are so funny...

..don't you think?

Anyway I went to my dad for a braai on Saturday afternoon, and his mom and step dad were there (they retired to St Helena Bay and got tired and bored of living there so they've just moved back). I don't really know them that well but that's another story.

So we're sitting outside chatting and my dad's gf's family and all their kids arrive, and brought her eldest daughter's Peet Ma along, who sat next to my gran and started talking non stop.

Finally she went to the loo and my gran pipes up and says - "fark who is that woman and how does she fit in here?". "She doesn't stop chatting at all", and... wait for it... then she said, "I must have a kind face, like an old cow, and everyone just wants to talk to me".

Gotta love them!


I really want to spend more time getting to know them, although this probably won't happen.  They've never been around, or even interested.


She was such a laugh, and so funny!  You'd never say she's turning 80 this year!

Awful (junk) food!

Hubby opened up a bag of plain salted chips so we could snack during the soccer and flip man, they were so salty it was awful!  I think my tongue is going to be full of salt sores and I'll drink all the water in the geyser!

What a disappointment!

Then, I've been wanting koeksisters ALL week.... finally got some last night - the only ones they had at Woolies were the mini koeksister bites and they were terrible!  Eeeuw.  I wonder, do you think it's all in my head, that if they don't look like koeksisters (twisted etc) that I tell myself they don't taste like koeksisters?

Could it be...

...just a coincidence?


So here I sit, a few months down the line, wondering when or if it's going to happen.  If we'll ever be blessed with a baby.  I've tried to keep my mind off things, tried to keep busy, "pretending" not to care when deep down inside I really do care, and really want this. I've been really down in the dumps at times. A few days ago I threw yet another pity party for one. I've still been charting my cycles, adding in symptoms when and if there are any, cycle days, days we dtd etc.

Since Sunday (19th) I've had tender breasts. Anyway I charted that too (a symptom) and then went back to check the last few cycles since my ectopic and also some cycles last year. It seems a bit early for me to have tenderness. At least 2 weeks before AF is due.

I had a brainstorm... decided to check December's calendar as well (the month I fell pregnant) and my breasts were tender from about 2 weeks before AF was due. Normally it's only a few days (anything between 5-7 days).

Could it be a coincidence?

December 09 Cycle
AF started 2 December
AF was due 31 December
Tenderness from 19 December (12 days before AF was due)

June 10 Cycle
AF started on 6 June
AF due on 5 July
Tenderness from 20 June (15 days before AF is due)

Now to try get my mind off of this. 

I'm holding invisible thumbs, thinking invisible thoughts, hoping with all my heart.

Thinking back my first AF after my ectopic was the most painful I'd ever experienced. The pain was so terrible that I woke up from my sleep that night. It took a water bottle and a microwave heatable bean bag and some pain tablets to help. I couldn't fall asleep until the meds kicked in. The other cycles since then have been back to "normal", kind of right on schedule, some months no pain, others some, but nothing like that 'first' cycle. Thank goodness. If my breasts were tender, it was only a few days, and not every cycle.

I'm sitting here with question marks in my head, and hope in my heart, and a lump in my throat. I think for the mean time I'll enjoy the fantasy that I might be pregnant. If I am, that means my remaining tube might be ok, and my dream might be coming true.

For now I (still) wait.

Fish fingers, anyone?

DH was so proud that he made dinner for me (us) tonight. I got home from work and he said my dinner is in the fridge.  I opened the fridge and found a glass dish, and about 20 fish fingers.  Lol don't get me wrong, it's so sweet that he tried, isn't it?  I warmed up a few (about 9 of them), and ate them anyway, to which he said that he's already eaten and those are all mine.  I wonder how many he made!

Life's lessons...

It hit me this month, I think.  It came out of nowhere.  I've been so tearful I don't know what to do with myself.  When I got home from work yesterday DH was asleep (again) for his shift at 23h00 that night.  I just sat down and cried.  Then he woke up, and came downstairs all dressed for his soccer game that night, and I cried some more when I saw him.  Nothing would make me stop.  He even brought me a chocolate when he got home to try make me feel better.  What's going on with me?  I have no interest in work (hating it at the moment),  I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, I don't really want to go out all the time, not much of an appetite unless it's koeksisters or cupcakes.  I feel empty and tired.  


I got this in an email from a friend this morning.  I wanted to keep it somewhere so that I can read it again when I need to. 

"Sometimes we must be Hurt in order to Grow,

 Sometimes we must Fail in order to Know,
Sometimes we must Lose in order to Gain,

 Because some lessons in life are best learned through Pain..."

"Tears are God's gift to us. Our Holy Water. They heal us as they flow."

I heard some incredibly sad news this week.  My heart breaks for those who have lost their loved ones.  I cannot imagine the heartache they must be feeling and I pray that God will hold them close as they say good bye today.  May they find strength in Him.  

"Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us"