Saturday, July 28, 2012

Friday Outing...

Hubby took the day off work today, so that we could go to the IFS at the Dome.  I was so looking forward to getting a few things, and nothing.  I left with one tshirt.  Hubby found a few things though, as he usually does.  Never mind that I found nothing, the exhibition was so small, hardly any exhibitors and half of the stands were closed - what a disappointment!   AND - what, may I ask, are bikes and 4x4's doing at a fashion sale? After browsing through we sat and shared a sarmie, and then a chicken roti, and then left.

Besides that, it was a really good day out.  We got to spend some much needed "just us" time together - chatting and laughing, which actually we haven't done in quite a while.  After that we went for a drive, and did some more shopping.  I found a pair of black shoes - I've been wanting and looking for a pair for ages and after finding them I was happy that I got to go home with a new tshirt AND a pair of shoes. 

Needless to say, by the time we got home we were exhausted, and I was really missing my baby.  Feels like something is missing when I'm out without him.

A Dad's Love...

"Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad." ~Author Unknown

As I said before, my hubby is smitten with his little (our) boy.  He has all the time in the world for him, no matter how long it takes to wind him, or to console him when he's upset.  In the afternoons he's been spending more and more time with Ashton during his awake time.  Some afternoons they both have a snooze on the bed, and some afternoons it's all three of us.   

I think hubby has quite a bit of fun with the toys... he also lifts Ashton up and "shows" him the toys on the toy shelf, "shows" him his bedroom and the pictures on the wall, talks to him and reads stories to him.

It's been so amazing watching him turn into a dad.  I think I've fallen in love with him a little again since seeing this new side to him.

                                      

4 Weeks Old...


Another week done and Ashton is 4 weeks old.

He's gained so nicely, I had him weighed on Wednesday and he is now 3,02 kgs.  Still can't get over his size, for example, how tiny his little thumb is when compared to mine and how his bottle looks so big.
This little boy is such a blessing and I'm enjoying him so much.  He's getting stronger by the day.  Last week we were sitting downstairs and heard him over the monitor, he wasn't crying or anything but making his usual noises - grunting and so on - and then we heard a new noise.  Hubby went up to see what he was up to and he called me to come and see - Ashton had squirmed up and out of his blankets, and he was sucking on his little elephant toy which is attached to the side of the cot, quite a bit away from where he was sleeping.  We were completely amazed.  I'll try upload the video, but for now here's a photo:
Our puppy Pepper seems to have taken liking to him, or at least found her new favourite spot to lie... she came to have a snooze with us on the bed one afternoon and then later, when I went in to check on him she ran into the room and went to sit near to him, resting her front paws on him.  So sweet.
Last night Mil stayed over, and she did the pajama drill for me.  I got to sleep next to my hubby for the first time since we came home from the hospital.  Not that I got any rest - I woke up so often.  Today hubby and I spent the day together and his mom looked after Ashton for us.  We needed the time out together and it was actually such a good day today!  It was good for us to jave a little catch up.  I feel so blessed to have hubby's mom aound to help us, and she is just crazy about her grandson.  I've alrady asked her to come and watch him a few times.  Twice so that I could sleep, and once so that I could go to interviews.

We haven't received the results from Ashton's blood tests yet.  Can't remember if they were due this week or next week.  I'll phone to follow up though.

My brother came to visit and held Ashton for the first time.  He was so proud.  Totally out of his comfort zone though!  Shame he's been working so hard over the last few he looked exhausted - but still a very proud uncle.
Hubby is just smitten with his little boy.  It's so precious to see it can just melt your heart.  I'll do a separate post about this.  I love my boys so, so much! 

I really miss my mom.  Wish she would get better so that she can come and visit us.  I'm really worried about her.  I phoned her on Thursday last week and for the first time she openly told me about what happened to her, and her state of health.  We spoke for quite a long time, and had some laughs too - I had a complete blonde moment too.  She was telling me about how she still can't use her left hand because it's pretty much lame, and she gets really frustrated - a little example she gave was that her right arm has been so itchy and she couldn't even scratch it - so she told her doctor and the advice she got was to practice picking up some pieces of spaghetti out of a bowl... and put them down in another bowl.  Without thinking any further I asked her in a really confused state "but how does that help with your itch?" - there was silence on the phone and then we both burst into laughter. 

On the job front - I'm not stressing too much about finding a new job at this stage - there are a few opportunities out there, and I keep looking, so we will see what comes my way.  The thing I need to decide is, do I want a full time well paid job, or will I settle for less and be happy with that.  I always said I would never be able to be a stay at home mom, but after having Ashton I keep thinking that I actually could.

I had my hair done on Saturday - a little darker so that I won't have the expense of upkeep with the blonde for now.  It looks okay but I'll probably go blonde again at some stage.
Anyway.  If I could have anything, it would be for my mom to get better.  As for everything else, I have everything I need. 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Ashton in the Incubator

I was going through the pictures on my phone, and I found a few from hospital, when Ashton was still being incubated.  Feels like a lifetime ago!  He looked so much smaller, and more fragile than he is now, unless I'm used to this tiny little body.  He weighed 2,34kgs here, and on Friday he weighed 2,38kgs so not much of a difference.

Memories, although not the best quality photos.




3 Weeks Old Tomorrow...

... and I would only have been 37 weeks pregnant.   Unbelievable.

My little string bean has grown a bit taller - he doesn't fit into his smallest babygrow any more.  Feeding is going a lot better, I don't have to try and coax him into eating nearly as much as I did before.  He even wakes up hungry. 

He's so alert now when he is awake.  Looking around, trying to focus on things around him.  He knows our voices though and tries to look for us when he hears us talking.  i am sure his neck muscles are developing rapidly becaues he's been lifting his head quite often, and moving it from side to side.  

His grip is getting stronger, so much so that he grabbed onto my hair the other night...

He doesn't like to have his arms wrapped up, or to be wrapped up too tightly.  If he is, he tries to squirm out of his blankets, or moans until we release his arms and then he's content.  His hands are so busy, he moves them almost all the time while he's awake.  Waving them around, fanning out his fingers, touching his face, holding them both up beside his face during feedings.  Sometimes he kicks his legs, but his hands are by far the busiest.  He also doesn't really like a dummy.  Everyone at hospital was telling me to give him a dummy but he mostly spits it out.  He's only taken it twice so far since being home.

He seems to like being bathed, must be the warm water - we leave bath time for when his daddy's home so they can have some extra bonding time.  Hubby hangs a towel over the oil heater and by the time bath time is done the towel is nice and warm - sure he enjoys this, the expressions on his little face are priceless.

I think he struggles to control his facial expressions, some of the faces are hilarious and I have a good giggle at them.  He also sticks out his tongue every now and then, and smacks his lips after a feeding - it's just so precious to see.

All of these are small victories considering his early arrival and I'm one very proud mommy.


I love the way he smells.  Not when he has a diaper or anything, I mean his baby smell.  It's my favourite smell in the whole world - and so it should be, right?

He gets hiccups, sneezes, breathes in strange patterns, and is on the whole quite a noisy baby - even when he's asleep.  The first few times we ran upstairs for every little grunt and groan until we realized it is totally normal and he's just a very noisy baby.

He sleeps in his cot, in his own room - and I sleep in there in the double bed.  I miss sleeping next to my hubby in my own bed, but for now I'll stay there until he's a bit older.  Hubby does come for a cuddle every now and then.

Something I've only just noticed is his little finger on his right hand won't straighten, it's completely bent - almost as if the ligaments are too short or there isn't enough skin to allow him to extend his finger.  We'll discuss it with the paed at our next checkup.

I'm feeling over tired today.  Mil popped over yesterday to babysit so I could get some shut eye, although she wasn't here for long I managed to get 3 hours sleep.  Hubby also offered to do a few feedings last night so I got a few more hours rest.  I don't know if I'm still tired, or if I've slept too much but today I was totally exhausted.  My cut is healing really nicely, and I'm not that sore any more.  I just get some pain in my pelvic bone, but nothing I can't handle - I wonder if its from lying around all day.  My wardrobe these days consists of fresh pajamas. 
  
I'm still expressing, trying to increase my milk supply but it's easier said than done.  I need to triple it to be able to feed him exclusively on breast milk.  

I have been feeling a bit of cabin fever every now and then, when I've had some sleep I guess. On Saturday night I went out for coffee and cake with a friend, and just the change of scenery was good for me. Hubby and his friend babysat while they were gaming. I sent an sms to make sure my baby was ok and the reply I got was "stop stressing, he's sleeping."

I think that's it for today. 

Here are a few recent pictures of my boy:



Monday, July 16, 2012

What Faith Can Do...

I came across a song last night...  It's called "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless.  It's the most beautiful song I've heard in a while, and quite deep.  I'm not sure if it's the hormones raging out of control but it brought tears to my eyes.  I thought of what we've been through, the miracle that is Ashton, of my friends who are going through heartache right now, and those that need a little inspiration to carry on.


You can listen to it here, but these are the words...



What Faith Can Do


Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know


Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do


It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright


Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing


I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do


Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can



I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do


Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Kangaroo Care

After Ashton was born he had to be incubated.  It was a while before I got to see him and got a chance to hold him.  When I did, it was for kangaroo care - I had read about this previously, and that it's especially good for preemies.  You can read more about kangaroo care and it's benefits here, and here.

I got to hold him a little on the first night, and then one whole afternoon.  It was so amazing holding my tiny baby boy.  All I could do was look at this little miracle - my entire world was filled with wonder.  I still do kangaroo care now that we are home.

Here are some photos...

First time I got to hold him after he was born



Friday, July 13, 2012

Remembering...

I was chatting to a friend this past weekend - we spoke about our losses and she asked me how I feel about it now that I've had Ashton.


It's difficult to describe - I always had an idea of what I lost.  And I know all to well what it feels like to 'want'.  You can't know what it's like to want something so badly until the moment you've lost it.


It's quite a realization, all over again, but this time in a different way - only now can I feel the magnitude of what I lost, having held my baby close to me.  I'll always carry my angel in my heart.


I still wonder what would have been, if I would have had a little boy or a little girl, but maybe that means I wouldn't have had Ashton.  I believe everything happens for a reason, and it has all brought me to where I am today, and I have never felt or experienced happiness like I do now.

"Having a place to go - is a home. Having someone to love - is a family. Having both - is a blessing." ~Donna Hedges











   

They pricked him!

Okay so I am starting to think the sleep deprivation is messing with my ears.  They did prick my little guy again today.  Hubby said I must have confused two different conversations. 

The bloods will be sent off on Monday, so hopefully we'll have the results soon.  My little guy was really brave - I am petrified of needles, even more so after that woman got hold of me in hospital, but he did really well.  Just a small cry and it was over.

We also went to have him weighed.  I'm so relieved, he's gained 180 grams in the last 5 days and weighs 2,38kgs now - still tiny but definitely growing.  He was supposed to gain no less than 150 grams by next Monday, over and above his 2,2kgs.

After we got home I pretty much spent the afternoon sleeping, thankfully hubby was working from home so he helped out with feeding and changing - and this afternoon he came to have a snooze with us.  I even got breafast in bed this morning.  Trying to get up was another story though.  I think I was beyond exhausted today. 

A little update on Ashton - he's definitely more alert this week, looking around, sticking his tongue out, pulling faces (shame, I often laugh at him - seems he can't control his facial expressions just yet - some of the expressions are priceless!), lifting his head up when I hold him against my chest burping him, making little noises here and there.

I love my little family xx



Thursday, July 12, 2012

Mom and Son

There's this little boy - he stole my heart - I'm so in love. 
I've waited so long but he's finally here, he's my boy and one day he'll call me mom.

Two Weeks & Testing

Time waits for no-one - so true.  My boy has already been with us for two weeks today.  In theory I would have been 36 weeks pregnant now and it's so difficult to imagine.  By the time we reach his EDD of 7 August, we should be over the first weeks - which I believe are the worst.  He's so, so small, but I'm so used to him already.  God certainly is a miracle worker - I believe it when I look at Ashton - every little crease and feature is so beautifully made.

We had some blood tests done while we were still at the hospital, and the results were ready today.  They called hubby to say everything was fine except for one indicator.  She apparently didn't go into too much detail, but did say it could be due to the fact that he is a preemie so we shouldn't worry just yet - and bring him in for further testing.  I must have made a face while I told hubby I don't want them to prick him like that again, and he said I shouldn't worry, there won't be any pricking this time around. 

So tomorrow we'll stop by the paed for the results, have him weighed while we are there... and then head to Ampath for testing.  Pray it's nothing serious.

Two weeks old 12/07/12 - <3


One week old 05/07/12 - Can you believe how tiny this little guy is?  Here he is next to my iPad.

Monday, July 9, 2012

The first days home

Yesterday marked the first week of being home, and Ashton was one week old on Thursday!  I still look at him and think he could have still been in my belly.  The car seat is still massive - the poor little guy looks like an accessory.  I'll have to upload a photo at some stage.

I think we've been settling in ok.  The first night home was really scary without having the nurses as back up, but we made it.  I don't think I slept a wink - I was worrying if my baby would live through the night, and stressing about what I would do if he stopped breathing.  It seems a  little dramatic now, looking back.  I've had two really tough nights, where I was up every hour, but it's amazing how the body copes with little sleep.  As long as I get some sleep, I'm ok. 


The last few days have been a bit rough, but we made it through.  Ashton hasn't been eating well at all, meaning we've been battling to get him to gain some weight. Feeding him has been really hard work - not that I have experience with feeding any other babies...


Anyway we saw the paed on Friday, and she said under normal circumstances she would have admitted him for tube feeding, so we need to up his feeds drastically. I felt horrible and just sat and cried in her office. She said if he refused another bottle over the weekend we have to take him in, even if it's at 3am in the morning.


When I dried my tears she said I must think about sending him in anyway, if I need to rest and regroup. I told her that's not happening - we will do our best over the weekend and if we struggle we will take him in, but I'm not going to give up just like that. Still, it was a big pill to swallow.


She also told me to stop trying to breastfeed him for now, just keep expressing and topping up with formula until he picks up and we can try again later. The 5 minutes we were trying to bf ended up in him using up most of his energy.


I'm relieved to say that it went well, he's gained 200grams. He weighs 2,2kg today. His next check up is next week and he needs to gain no less than 150grams by then.

It's a huge adjustment, I try sleeping when he sleeps, it's easier at night than during the day - but if I get some sleep, it's better than none.  No amount of sleep deprivation can hide that I am so in love with my little boy!

Ashton's Birth Story

This is Ashton's birth story, or at least how I remember it to be.

MIL stayed over the night before, and the three of us spent the evening chatting. I packed the last of my hospital things and made sure everything was ready for the morning. I had a really good night's sleep, after lying awake for a while wondering about everything - so many lasts leading up to the few weeks, and so many amazing firsts we'll get to experience. I had been bit worried if our baby would be okay and if there would be any complications, and if he would need to be hooked up to tubes. I wondered how small he would be and if I hoped that I would be a good-enough mom.


Thursday morning we all got up at about 7, got ready and made our way to the hospital. Think we arrived at about 9, and our Dr was already there waiting for us. We were checked in to the labour ward, and I got into a set of hospital pajamas - got to love those things, and into bed. They hooked me up to a monitor, and the nurse came to try put in my drip - which was terrible. The vein in my hand popped so she stopped what she was doing and said the Dr will try again later. The Aneasthetist arrived, wearing a red jacket and introduced herself, and proceeded to try insert the drip again. This time in my wrist, and my vein fell flat - and the next thing I was bleeding everywhere. On the bed, on her, on the floor, on hubby who was sitting just behind her. I thought him and MIL were going to faint. She then tried in the inside of my elbow, and thank heavens it worked. By now I was a nervous wreck, and dreading having this woman doing the spinal.

Eventually someone came in and said we'll make our way to theatre in half an hour's time. I think I broke into a cold sweat. Half an hour came and went and then it was time to go. I can't describe how I felt. Excited, anxious, happy, worried, nervous, terrified, all in one. We said good bye to MIL and walked to theatre. I remember stepping over the red line where it says do not enter, sterile - thinking here we go now, no turning back.

I looked around theatre, couldn't believe all the stuff needed for this. All the tools and all the green sheeting. I climbed onto the bed and sat and waited, while getting hooked up. Hubby went to change into his scrubs, I just wanted him back with me so I could feel calm again and when he walked through the doors I felt instantly better.

Time for the spinal. I had a pillow on my lap, feet on a chair in front of me. Someone was standing in front of me holding me and the lady in red behind. I turned my head to see what was going on, and they said I mustn't look. Hubby was keeping an eye on them, camera in hand. She then said sit still - and in went the needle. I felt every move and I turned into a big baby. She pulled it out and tried again, this time my leg started jittering. I was told to sit still - at this point I lost my temper and said I am sitting still, what ever she is sticking with her needle is forcing my leg to jump. I think she tried two more times, by now I was in agony - yes, still a big baby when it comes to needles. Then finally, she said ok we are done and I had to lie down immediately. I lay down, and then started feeling warm tingles running throughout my body - I remember thinking this is it. I was so happy to see my doctor. We did some chatting while he got his things ready. He put a sheet over me and after a while he asked if I could feel anything - I told him yes, it feels like he's rubbing my belly. So he said good, we are ready. I assume he reached for his tool to start cutting/ quarterizing and I told him he can't cut me yet because I can still feel my feet and move my toes! He laughed and said ok don't worry, I should try picking up my legs before he starts - I couldn't move them at all.

From there on I remember looking around, all sorts of things running through my head. Hoping that hubby doesn't pass out and drop the camera cause I need pictures of my little miracle. I looked in front of me and saw some smoke, and then I felt really nauseous. My face had also been twitching every now and for a while I started thinking this is horrible! Someone asked how I was feeling and I told them I feel terrible and I want to throw up. They must have given me something because all of a sudden I felt awesome, and everything became crystal clear, and all I did was smile - that's when the doctor said, we're ready to take him out. I closed my eyes and felt some tugging and pulling, and then the doctor said here he comes bum first. I imagine his whole body must have been out and then the doctor said now the head. It seemed so unreal - the moment the doctor lifted him up for me to see and said congratulations on your son. And then I heard his cry. I cried. Nothing can prepare you for the moment. I saw the most beautiful, perfect little thing I think I've ever seen - I know every mom says this! Dr passed him over me to the paed who was waiting with yet another green sheet, and she then put him on my chest, still wet. I looked up at hubby and the look on his face was enough to melt my heart. Dr did the rest of his procedure, and started sewing me up - hubby went around to where they were checking the baby. He scored 9/10, 10/10, and 10/10 for his apgar.


Ashton was born at 12h40 in the afternoon, measured 48 cms, weighed 2,340kgs. The paed said she was really surprized at how well he was doing, considering he was born at 34 weeks gestation. I smiled and said we have a little fighter there.


Daddy, baby and company then left, so he could be incubated. Next thing I was wheeled to recovery, and then to my room. My little guy was born hungry. He cried from the moment he was born to the moment they fed him. The nurses sent hubby to ask if they were allowed to give him some formula - and at this point I said what ever is best for my baby, if he's hungry, they should feed him. My milk hadn't started to come in yet either, so I had nothing to give him.


I didn't get to see the little guy again for the rest of the day and I felt completely empty. Nobody came to tell me how my baby is doing, even though I asked - it was awful because I had to lie there until the next day so I couldn't go to him. My feeling came back really quickly, I asked for pain meds twice and eventually got a dose. I think hubby came back later that night, I was so happy to see him walking through the doors - he came up to me, and then left right away without saying a word. He had gone to tell them to bring me my baby. I just about burst into tears when they brought him in. We got to do kangaroo care for a little while and then he had to go back to incubation. His blood sugar kept dropping as well so they pricked and tested him every three hours. The first time I saw them do it I burst into tears. The pricking continued for the next three days. I finally got to have him with me a day later, and we did kangaroo care for the whole afternoon. I was so happy to hold my little bundle again. He didn't sleep with me at night, but it's ok.


His blood sugar stabilized three days later so the pricking finally stopped. On Saturday evening his paed said we will know on Sunday if he'll be going hom with us, and as you know, he did. It's been hectic, and rough, and awesome, and like I said, the single most significant experience of my life, and nothing can prepare you for it.


I think the moment I saw him was the moment my life began - probably sounds like a bit of a cliche, but honestly after all the heartsore and tears, the trying and failing, we finally did it. Looking back now, I think over the last 2 years I was just a shadow of myself, going from month to month, hoping every time that this would be it. And you know what, I would do it all again, in a heart beat.  My hubby is my hero - he's been so amazing every step of the way.


This is his daddy's birth story.


Ashton James Godley Born at 34 weeks on Thrusday 28th June 2012, he weighed 2.34 kg at 12:40 pm with no complications or problems breathing. He was incubated for two days and there after was able to be by his mother in Neonatal Ward for the remainder of there stay to which they were both discharged with Ashton only loosing 125 grams of weight on Sunday 1st July 2012.


Some photos from the day:


Last belly pic @ 34 weeks pregnant
 
Soon to be mommy and daddy



Showing my belly off
 
Mr handsome in his scrubs, the biggest set they could find!

Tight over his bum!

Before the spinal
  
First nappy
 
Daddy holding his boy
  
First family picture
 
Ashton in his incubator