Merry Christmas...

Merry Christmas my little one, where ever you are now.  It's Christmas today and I wish you were here with us.  I miss you even though I never got the chance to know you.  Someone was missing at Christmas, it was you my little one.




Somone is Missing at Christmas



~ ~Author Unknown

 Let this be a loving reminder


That someone is missing today.


Someone our hearts hold on to


As we travel along life’s way.


Someone who won’t be forgotten,


But cherished from year to year.


And now as we celebrate Christmas,


Let us fondly recall


How deeply each of us loved them.


And oh… how they loved us all.

Thailand, here WE come!

I entered a competition a while ago... and forgot all about it.  Today I got a call from Simply Asia saying that I won tickets for 2 to Thailand!  What a completely awesome, totally unexpected surprize!  I've always wanted to go to Thailand, and we both love Thai Food.  Can't wait!

We've got to pay for our accommodation and food, which is absolutley fine!  So excited!

And before you ask, YES this is legit!

Happy holidays.

The holidays are here!  I'm sick as a dog, it's hot as ever, but I'm happy because I got to put my feet in the sand and get to spend some time with my gorgeous man...


Happy Holidays!

It's Negative.

Turns out the machine showed a high positive so they sent my blood to George to be sure.  I better face it, it's just not my year.  Here's to 2011!

HUH.

My mom and I went to the Klein Karoo Medi Clinic this morning, so that I could have bloods done.  I specifically wanted the beta hcg, the one that can check any levels of hcg in the blood.  Their service was really quick, and really great, however we were the only people there, imagine that. 


We sat for about 5 minutes, then a nurse came out to call us into the consulting room.  I explained to her that I need the beta hcg test but I haven't seen a doctor to refer us and gave a short summary of my history, and also said that in Jhb you need a doctor's referral for them to do the test.  She said no problem and phoned a doctor to get his ok quick, and then called someone to come and draw the blood.  Ouch, I hate needles!  It was over quick enough though, and then she went to phone the lab lady who came in especially to run my blood.  I filled in a form afterwards and she said it would take up to an hour, so we sat and waited.  50 Minutes later the lab lady came back to say sorry the machine stopped working, and they need to send the blood to George.  Now we wait.  She's going to call me back tomorrow afternoon with my results.


Oh gosh, now what?  Ok maybe I'll skip the wine until I know, either way I need to know.


I'm not getting my hopes up but I can't help but wonder...  I'm on CD33 today.

OK! Enough!

I'm late!  On CD32 today.  AF was meant to show up around 4 days ago.  I've been getting negative hpts all along, another one today.  I don't know what's going on!  Today I used the clear blue digital hpt.  After 3 minutes of it flashing it said "not pregnant" - I can't understand what's going on with me.... my boobs have been sore since CD28 and I've been having cramps but nothing whatsoever.  I thought she'd make a show for it today but nothing, not even a spot.  This isn't funny any more (not that it was before).


GRRRRRR!

Soon it's Good Bye 2010...

... and what a year it's been.  I've been reflecting on the past year and while so much good has happened, I can't help but also remember the bad.  I guess where I'm sitting now I'm stronger than I was before.  Isn't that an accomplishment?  I've spent time worrying about life, work gave me unnecessary stress, trying to heal my mind and my heart, trying to start a family, trying to get to know myself again.  I also spent time making changes to my life, trying to enjoy all things good, trying to reconnect with my husband and know I've come a long way.


So it's not with a heavy heart that I'll good bye to 2010, but a bigger, wizer one, one that holds more love and tolerance, more patience, more strength, more everything...


We leave for holiday at the end of the week, think this has come well deserved.   


For 2011 my wish is to make a fresh new start, and come what may.


"What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now. ~Author Unknown"

Missed-My-Birthday.

I didn't post on my birthday last month, I wasn't in the mood for it this year.  I normally love birthdays but I felt like giving this one a miss, so silly but I couldn't face this birthday.  Maybe next year I'll have an awesome birthday.  I won't miss it. 

Little ache in my heart.

I was busy having my nails done yesterday and a lady walked in with her daughter and a friend - she was sending them both in for a mini mani and a mini pedi for her daughter's birthday.  The two girls were so excited, giggling as they chose their nail varnish colours in pinks and purples.  The birthday girl asked her mom what her next birthday surprize is, and her mom told her she's going to have to wait and see and then turned to me and smiled - I don't know what came over me, I almost burst into tears but managed to crack a smile back at her.



I wondered if I will ever have a daughter who I can bring in for a mini mani when she turns 12?  I wondered again if my baby would have been a little girl?  I wondered if I will one day be able to plan surprizes for her, if my little girl will be blonde, if her eyes will be blue or green, if she'll love me as much as I'll love her?  I wondered if I'll ever get to experience that. 



I was envious of that lady, and wondered if she knows how blessed she is to have that little girl of hers. 



As I wondered all these things I had a little ache in my heart. 

Happy Days.

Started my new job this week, and so far so good.  The people are really nice!  Imagine my surprize...I don't have much else to report, except that it's really busy.  I don't think I'm going to have much of a bleeding in period here, but that's all good - I'm ready for it. 


Our offices are really nicely painted, all black and white.  We move to Jhb next year so then it will save me quite a bit on petrol.


It's our year end function next week, eeek, and apparently we close from the 10th December to 10th January.  Doesn't really feel fair that I get a whole month off after just starting.  What if I forget everything I've learnt?  Sjoe, hope not.


So far I've had no issues driving from Jhb to Pretoria, huge relief.  It's 53km from home but luckily I can drive straight through, against the majority of the traffic.


Happy days are here again (it seems).

Last day tomorrow.

Tomorrow I say my goodbyes at work, and as much as you may want something to end, saying good bye is never easy to do.  I have an exit interview at work tomorrow, not really sure what they feel they need to ask me?  I've planned to have some well deserved me-time this week.  Going for my hair, having a mani and pedi, going to see Dr B on Friday for a checkup anyway seeing that my December appointment is so long away.  


On Monday I start a whole new chapter in my life.  The year is almost done, I pray that the next year brings great things, and I make it further down the road to healing - I have no idea how long this road is going to be, but I've been walking since February, and it hasn't been easy.

Clearing out my old blog...

I'm clearing out the last bit of my old stuff on my macbook pro, and my old blog, which I did using iWeb.  It's the easiest thing to use!  Really going to miss it.

GOATS!

I felt awful today, woke up with a huge headache and generally crappy feeling at 4h00 this morning.  I dragged myself out of bed and went to take some tablets, and crawled back under the duvet.  Needless to say I almost couldn't get up for work, and when I eventually did I made a few trips to the bathroom.  Not nice throwing up and shooting water from both sides...  especially on a Monday.


Got in to work late, and eventually left after lunch time.  I didn't feel like eating the lunch today.  Anyway I was feeling really sorry for myself and just wanted to get back into bed, when all of a sudden I had to STOP on my way home.  You won't believe this, but there were 3 goats and a stray dog, blocking my way.  GRRRRR!  If I wasn't feeling so crappy I would have taken photos.


Spent the afternoon sleeping, and woke up to check emails.  I started cooking burgers and wanted to die from the smell, so DH had to finish making his own dinner. 


I'm going to have a piece of toast with marmite on and then go to bed.  I hope I get some tlc, feeling very sorry for myself today.  


I'm a shivering, nauseated mess right now.  BLEH.


Besides the above, I'm ok.  


Only a few days left till I start my new job.

Premonition?

My mom's always been a tiny bit strange, but tonight I wasn't sure how to react to what she had to say.  I checked my phone and had a few missed calls from her, and started to panic in case something bad had happened.



Her budgie died today and she was feeling heartsore and needed someone to talk to.  I tried to make a few jokes to cheer her up, and we laughed a little bit.  We carried on chatting and all of a sudden she said on the ceiling she sees a perfect baby in a womb.  I felt a bit uncomfortable, and didn't really know what to say.  What could I say?  I guess things that happen to us hurt our parents too, when they would move heaven and earth to prevent any harm from coming to us, and take away any pain.  I then told her about our appointment with the FS in December, and said I would let her know how it goes and what he has to say.


Deep down in my heart I have hope.  Every day I hope.  I once read something along the lines of "you have a lot if you have hope" - I need to make sure that I don't run out.


Today I really miss my mom.  When she was here I wished she would go, I just wanted to be alone to deal with things.  We don't always get on that well, but today I want her here.  I could hug her to say I'm sorry about her budgie, and she could hug me back, the way that only moms know how to do.

What the heart has once owned and had, It shall never lose......

Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.  ~Anthony Brandt

Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope.  ~Author Unknown

Dr's Appointment, Check!

Finally managed to schedule my doctor's appointment.  We are seeing Dr G on 13 December 2010, at 11h30.  Waiting sucks, but I'm relieved that it's been done!

So, 2 months to go...

New beginnings...

In 21 days time I start my new job.  While I'm looking forward to the change, I'm really going to miss my team, they are awesome.  Sniff!  But it was time to pick myself up, dust myself off and make a change.  


I'm ready for a fresh start :)


In the mean time, I'm trying to hand over/ train the new guy, sorting out some things here and there, and arranging a Spa day for my team at Mount Grace.  Lucky buggers!


Today I suffered from internetlessness, that was bloody awful to say the least!


I still need to finalize my appointment with the FS.  I think I'll phone tomorrow.  I've received the form that we need to fill in, woweee!  I can't for the life of me remember when I sprouted boobs?  Among other things?


I guess I better try and remember or find out very soon!


New job = less stress
Doc appointment = knowing properly what's going on with my innards


Both of the above hopefully = me smiling!


All three of the above = happy husband!

Plan.

I had an appointment with my gynae tomorrow morning.  I phoned his offices on Tuesday to schedule it.  He asked me to bring my cycle data along, and it's all ready.  


But...

My step sis has been doing some research for me this week (cause yes, I'm too CHICKEN to make that call myself).  She contacted a Fertility Coordinator to ask for advice for me, who got right back to her.  She asked me to please contact her when I was ready,  so I sent an email to the Fertility Coordinator this morning, and she just phoned me.  

In a nut shell, there are two positives:

1)  I am still YOUNG as she put it

2) Even though my pregnancy was a total DISASTER, we know that sperm met egg once before

She spoke about the consultation and the cost for that and said we would go from there.  This specific consult could be claimed from medical aid because it could be seen as a "follow up" to my ruptured ectopic.  The first consult includes an ultrasound, and discussion.


She said I am right to be worried about my remaining tube, and said that they would need to do a special X-ray in order to see if it is functioning.  This X-ray apparently looks at the normality of the uterus cavity, and tests the remaining tube.  In normal circumstances they would tell us to wait for a year (because we're YOUNG remember) and then see them if we are not successful.  So lucky me, I am now high risk or a "special case".  She also said she would have seen me and referred me to a doctor immediately if I had called them after my ordeal.    

So I need to cancel my appointment for tomorrow morning, and ask him exactly what was wrong with my other tube / what work he did on me, and then phone her back to schedule an appointment with the Fertility Doctor.  DH seems to remember him saying that my left tube was folded over/stuck to my ovary and that he "fixed" it and made sure it was clear.

I'm such a chicken, I feel so much better after speaking to Anne.

Happy. Confused. Devastated. Oh well.

I did an HPT on 26 September - and got a faint positive.  I cried because I was so happy.  We both saw the second line.  

Later that day I went for bloods (thanks Kirsty for taking me), and the results were negative.  Confused.
Monday morning guess who arrived.  Devastated.  Cried some more.  My DH just held me, there wasn't anything more could he do.
 Oh well.  We try, we fail, we try again.
I feel so stupid, for letting myself get so excited for nothing.  For getting him excited.
For the disappointment.Who makes those HPTs anyway?  They should be SHOT.

Birthday - let's eat cake!

My hubby turned 31 today!  
Happy Birthday to the love of my life... I love you babe.  Forever and always.

Breakfast in bed

Lucky me, I got woken up to breakfast in bed this morning, early early just before DH came off shift.  He made chicken sausage with scrambled egg and tomatoes, with coffee.  I was booked off work with the flu on Thursday and yesterday, and he even brought me my tablets to have after breakies.  He really takes such good care of me.

She's here :)

brand new baby Jessica

Someone's coming into the world today...

My dad's girlfriend's daughter is having her baby today, she's scheduled to have a caesarian at 5.  It's a little girl, I think her name will be Jessica, such a pretty name.  She said she's feeling a bit scared, but I think she's going to be just fine, she's in good hands and those doctors know what they are doing.


I'm a tiny bit heartsore but for the most part I'm so happy for her.  I think she's going to be a great mommy, and I'm sure Jessica will be a beautiful baby.


I hope to have a picture to upload soon.

Children...

It kills you to see them grow up.  But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't.  ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

September, I remember you.

To the little soul I never knew,

My world lost a little light, that day and it's been a dark place since then.

Are you happy where you are?  Do you laugh?  

What's heaven like?

It would have been your birthday soon.  

I remember you. 

I'm on my knees today, talking to God again, I hope He's near. 

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. (Psalm 23:6)

Eject!

My Dad's Gifriend's daughter sms'd me this morning. She is having a C-sec on 9th September, she was due on 27th. I'm not sure how I feel at the moment as that would have been very close to my due date.  I also got a scan picture.

I am very happy for her but I've been thinking about this all day.

I don't even feel like visiting my dad's place any more cause every time I go his GF reminds me that "julle sou nou saam geloop het" and then proceeds to whip out all the clothes and things she and my dad has bought for her daughter and the baby. Is she moronic?  I am well aware of this fact.

Just needed get this off my chest, it hurts.  People are so insensitive, can't they think before they do or say?  


I wish I could press an eject button and disappear for a bit.

More food for thought :)

Or at least try really hard!

When Worldliness Takes Over

"When you're a nurse you know that every day you will touch a life or a life will touch yours.  ~Author Unknown"


If only the above were true for all the nurses.  The public servants are still striking and the public hospitals are in desperate need of help.  I was fortunate enough to be able to volunteer at a public hospital last week.  What an incredibly humbling experience.  We worked in the labour and maternity ward.  There was heavy security and it wasn't easy to get in at all, not even through the main gate.   Driving up to the hospital, my first impression was that it looks like a prison.  A few members of the army and police were also stationed there.  Walking around, rooms and halls were full with patients, but empty at the same time.  There was nobody to give them care.  Dishes stacked up in the kitchens with what looked like the remainders of the last two meals, security lying back in their chairs, sleeping against the walls, long, cold and dark passages between the wards, laundry piled up here and there, patients' files and papers lying everywhere, rubbish bins filled to the brim.


We got to change nappies, clean, warm up formula, feed, burp, put clothes on the newborns and finally porter them to their moms in another ward after they were out of recovery.  Some babies lay there without clothes, wrapped up in what ever we could find as they had run out of clothes.  I looked at a tiny baby lying in a crib and told the nurse I think that baby is in the wrong place, there was no way that such a tiny baby could weigh 3.3kgs.  Turned out I was right, we moved her and a few others to the right cots.  All of them were tagged, but some tags came loose and we had to retag them.  When we portered the babies to their moms we placed two in a cot, covered with a towel and wheeled them about a km down the dreaded dark and cold passages.  The moms in recovery could hear the wheels so by the tim we entered the ward they had managed to sit up, waiting anxiously to see if their baby had arrived.  The process when you arrive is to call out the name of the mom (to be found on the card, wheel the cot to the mom, make her call out the number on her own tag, and ask her if the baby is a "Ntombazaan or a boy"  I forget the name for a boy, I took so many girls.  Once we knew it was the right baby for the right mom we moved the baby into the bedside cot next to the mom.  Some were so happy to meet their babies for the very first time, and others couldn't be bothered.

We also helped some moms who were in labour.  The sad thing was that they had run out of hospital packs, equipment, clothing as the laundry hasn't been done.  I went to look for a delivery pack and there wasn't one, so another nurse and I were looking for equipment and blades.  When I returned the one nurse told me and a friend to grab this and grab that and we said "hang on we are not medical students, just volunteers!".  She said "Haibo! The baby is coming now".  I stood, motionless with horror, excitement and wonder at the miracle of life about to happen.  It was good to be able to hold another mom's hand for support, and remind her to "breathe".  It was like second nature, like I had done this here before.  No partners or family members were allowed in with the moms, for fear that they were strikers posing as family members.  I am so amazed at those nurses and staff that still work despite the strikes going on, you can see they are really running on empty, but yet they keep going.  Saying good bye was the hardest part.  They were so sad to see us go.  If I didn't have to go to work the next day I would easily have stayed.

There honestly wasn't one moment where I felt unsafe.  It was so rewarding to be able to volunteer, and work with those newborns, and a very real reminder of how blessed we are to have access to private facilities.  I'd go again in a heart beat.  When worldliness takes over, what remains?  What about caring, why is there so little regard for human life?

Weekend Away :)

We were invited to DH's family in White River to celebrate his uncle's 60th and his aunt and uncle's 40th Wedding Anniversary.  It was so nice to get away and get to know some more of my "new" family.  We got to stay in "our room" again 'The Honeymoon Suite' where we stayed in September last year.  So special!  The weather was wonderful and we had a great time.  So sad to have to come back so soon!  The break took my mind off things for a short while.

Us at Oliver's Restaurant overlooking the Golf Course

My gorgeous hubby

View from the deck at Glory Hill

Food for thought

"God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them.  ~Author Unknown"

Another reminder.

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.  ~Claudia Ghandi


In February some time I unsubscribed to the pregnancy websites I registered with when I first found out I was pregnant.  Today I get a mail in my inbox from one giving an update on what happens at "33 weeks" and how "your life is changing".  I didn't read the whole thing, my eye just caught that bit.  Where on earth did this come from?  Thanks for another reminder you stupid emailer.  My life has changed alright.  I had to unsubscribe (again).  It felt so weird, like it was meant for someone else and not for me.  You know when you receive something in error?  Clearly a big error.


Oh well, looking forward to date night with my gorgeous husband tonight.  We're going out for dinner.

Some inspiration

We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.  ~Author Unknown

 

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.  ~Barbara Bloom

 

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's already 21st July?

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you." - Ralph Waldo Emerson (thanks Robyn)

Feels like somehow I've lost a few days.  I've been keeping busy, trying to keep my mind off of things, spending some time with good friends, and my sexy husband.  Some days I feel I need to make the most of my life right now, and others I think I need to relax, and sleep in more.  I'm so indecisive.  I'm also trying to make a digital wedding invite for a friend's wedding next year.  I seriously wish I would fall into a pot of inspiration.

Today I can sit here and say I've realized a few things.  Things I'm okay with.  I'm okay with going to baby showers, I'm okay with going to birthday parties, I'm okay with chatting to mommies and mommies to be about their babies, looking at their photos, sharing the joys of their lives.

I'm not okay with hearing the words "baby dust", that silly imaginary stuff that is meant to bring babies your way.  I'm not okay with feeling miserable as often as I have been.  I'm not okay with silly things people say because they don't know any better.  I don't want to hear about babies being dumped in the trash, as if they are rubbish, and medical waste; or burnt almost to death in their parents' shacks.  I'm not okay with hearing about the abuse of any kind of child.  All these things make me want to breathe fire. 

I've spent some more time at the children's home up the road, something that's very close to my heart.  If I can't have my own babies just yet, I can at least still give of myself to those that need love.  For now they can have me.

I told Dh I've been thinking about doing a bit of research on HSG testing.  It's basically a test where they use a dye to see if your tubes (in my case one tube) are blocked, which can be picked up on a scan.  I think it would be good to know if this tube of mine is in good condition, after being repaired.  Dh is worried that I'm stressing about this, and I'm really not,  the doctor said there's a 25% chance that I will have another ectopic so I'm just trying to find out as much as I can so I know what options are out there.  Dh says that he will love me no matter what, even if the worst happens, what ever the worst is.  AF is probably due around the 30th July, so I can start finding out about the HSG testing in the mean time.

We're going away for a weekend in August. It's Dh's uncle's 60th Birthday, and they are keeping 2 chalets for us at Glory Hill.  One for his mom and dad, and one for us.  It should be really nice. We went to visit them and to stay there for our birthdays last year and had such an awesome time.  Oh gosh... our birthday's are around the corner.

I'll say it again, it's already 21st July?

Thoughts and Viva Espana!

I haven't felt like writing much this week, but I'm feeling pretty good today, so here's an update.  It's been a long, long week and I'm exhausted.  I've met my all deadlines for quarter end way before schedule, so I'm feeling really good about that.  The next thing on my to do list is to try and wake up early for work (again), and maybe only snooze my alarm once or twice, and not ten times.  I also plan to try and be more positive - but let's take that one day at a time.  Pity parties aren't that much fun after all, are they?  I'm sure I have been a total misery to live with the last while, and all the other feeling-sorry-for-myself days.  My husband, good friends and family have done wonders for pulling me out of my dark hole.


The other night I had another good cry.  I told Dh that I'm sorry, and I can't help the tears.  He just held me and said it's okay, he understands and he loves me, and he will still love me no matter what.  I really needed to hear that.  He said that maybe I will fall pregnant after I've finished grieving, and for now I just need to let it happen.


I've read that the emotional effects of losing a pregnancy can greatly affect a marriage, and that your relationship can become fragile.  To be honest there have been times (recently even) where I felt our relationship was strained, and all too often I think I forget that it was K's tragedy too.  I still feel so angry a lot of the time, and it's not fair on him.   I must just add that I'm blessed to have him in my life. He has done his best to give me grace, space, empathy and in a way I do feel closer to him because of it.  He holds me when I need comfort, and tells me it's okay when I can't see past tomorrow.  He's my strength.  It can't be easy to put on such a brave face all the time.  I'm not going to let this tear us apart.  


Some say that that grief is kind of language - it's feel it's true, it was a language I never fully understood until I felt it myself.  It's made me more passionate.  About life, about children being a gift, about not taking things for granted, about having more sympathy for others who are hurting, and those who are grieving, and passionate about being a mother one day.  

We look fabulous, don't you think? 

  

We have decided (that means me) to start eating a bit healthier.  Dh reckons that maybe if I'm eating more veggies I might start to feel a bit better.  I guess he doesn't really know what else to suggest at this stage.  Got to give him credit for trying.  If I don't get better I will (maybe) think about talking to someone, or taking meds.

I think I need to try to enjoy life a bit more.  Note to self, refer back to this post again (and again and again), remember take it one day at a time, laugh often, and  love my husband, a lot!  

DH bought us some awesome gear today for the final match of the SWC on Sunday.  We are supporting SPAIN!  Viva Espana!  I got a scarf and a flag, and he got a beanie and a flag.