Sunday, January 30, 2011

Feeling like a failure.

There, I said it.  I'm having a down day today, I'm over sensitive, defensive and generally not nice to be around.  I feel like a failure.  I can't give him his family that he so desperately wants.  I see him with other people's kids, and my heart breaks over and over again.  Then at home he plays with our dogs, and I think, shame this is all he has.  Dogs.  

All the talking in the world can't make me feel any better right now.  I told him last week, that I feel like a failure and he brushed me off, and told me to stop feeling like that.  I've been stewing about it ever since.  Then on Friday he phoned me at work to tell me he's sorry for what he said, and that he loves me no matter what happens, and if this isn't for us, we can adopt a little one. So I was in tears again. 

Generally I've been doing a lot better, but today I can't stop the tears.  Something is missing from our lives, from my life.  I keep wondering what if, and  I honestly don't know if I can do keep doing this.  I wish I could just forget.  

We went to visit friends today, and as hard as I tried, I didn't feel like being there.  I didn't care about what their child could say or do, or how much they showed this off, how much they spoke about him or how many photos I had to look at - nothing impressed me.  Don't they get it???  Just leave me alone, don't tell me things I don't want to hear, I need to protect myself, my heart, my mind.  Don't expect me to be excited that your child can say random words, remind me that he's turning two... he's yours, you be excited.  I'm just not feeling it today. 






Friday, January 14, 2011

The Blink of an Eye...

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."

Sometimes I don't know what to say...

I'm part of the most amazing group of women, I've mentioned them before.  I think we get our strength from each other.

A special friend landed up in surgery today, she had an ectopic pregnancy.  She phoned me to tell me the news just before she went in to theatre.  My heart has been so sore, and we've been so worried about her.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  I reassured her that she's in good hands, the doctors are fantastic, and she's going to be fine, what else do you say? 

Needless to say the day just dragged on, like it was never going to end.  I made a card for her, everyone sent messages, and we got her some flowers, a giraffe, choccies and a magazine.  I got to the hospital at about six, and a kind guard helped me carry the flowers, they were so heavy.  He was an angel, he even let me park right there at the reception door.  She's very very sore, but she managed to crack a few smiles. The sister told me she's not allowed to get up right now. I'm so relieved that she's ok after the surgery but I think it may take a while for her to try and comprehend what just happened.  There isn't anything really, that one can say.  I didn't really know what to say, so there were some quiet moments but I guess sometimes it's good to just be there with someone, just being with them.
She wasn't sure if she'll be able to go home tomorrow.  I did ask if she's been booked off but they haven't really told her anything yet, although I did say she may be booked off for 6 weeks to heal (physically anyway). I doubt she'll be able to go home tomorrow but we'll see, you never know.  Her DHand little girl also came to visit while I was there, just before I left. The little one is such a busy body, so interested in everything around her, and checked out the nurse who came to check her mommy's bp, never taking her eyes off her. Such a beautiful girl, sure her smiles are bringing at least some comfort to her mommy.

Of course we'll all continue to think of her, and keep her in our prayers.

And with the morn those angel faces smile  Which I have loved long since and lost awhile.
~John Henry Newman

Monday, January 3, 2011

Lunch at Wang Thai

We were invited for lunch at Wang Thai today.  Simpy Asia wanted to take photos of us, seeing that I won the lucky draw.  We had the most divine lunch at Wang Thai.  It's at the Lagoon Bay Hotel in Milnerton.  What a spectacular venue, it's beauiful.  The food was to die for!






Saturday, January 1, 2011

Good Bye 2010, No Looking Back

Despite it being a really tough year, we made it!  Our holiday has truly been awesome despite the smashed window, but I refuse to let that get me down, just a waste of time really.  We got to witness the most magnificent sunset on 31 December.  I couldn't think of a more beautiful thing to see.  I've always loved sunsets...

Here you go, see for your self: