"When hope is hungry, everything feeds it."

One of the members of our work family has been told that she's terminal after a long struggle with illness, and that there isn't much time.  Understandably she spent her last work days with us recently and even though she hasn't been gone for long, the building seems so empty without her there. 

I've never met anyone who brings that much sunshine to the world as she does.  It has made me realize just how insignificant some things really are.  Reminds you to make the most of every day because time can't be bought, bargained for, bribed, or borrowed.  Out of all the things we have in life, time is the most precious.

I can't stop thinking about this and keep playing it over and over in my head.  Seems so wrong that those who will virtually do anything to try and hold on to the very life that runs through their veins have to have that taken away from them where others just live their lives recklessly and at random.  How often do we feel overwhelmed by life's disappointments and let downs yet when we hurt we fail to realize that we hurt because it signals we're alive.  No matter how much pain there is, one thing we never want to let go of is hope. 

We wanted to do something special for her so we have asked for City Planning's permission to do some street art, or a special graffiti on one of the street facing walls in Pretoria.  It seems this is a lengthy process so while we wait we have started 'the hoop project'.  This is a special project that we are taking part in, and anyone else that wants to do this can.  She's always been full of hope, and the word 'hoop' is tattooed on her arm, hence the hoop project.  We are all going to do some graffiti art somewhere and send in our photos (showing as much of the landscapes behind) to a blog where she can see them come to life.  

"When hope is hungry, everything feeds it."

You can see the project come to life here.

I'll send mine in soon.

1 Year Ago. Today.

One year ago today I landed up in hospital with a ruptured ectopic pregnancy.  Can't believe it's already been a year since then.  So much has happened, so much has stayed the same, and I've cried so many tears.  Some days have been terrible, others have been good, but I can't help but wonder if it's a year I've wasted on hurting, it's a year I'll never get back. 

Today I pray for hope, faith, and strength. 

I have friends who are also waiting for God to bless them with children.  I know the pain and anguish they have been going through.  I know what it's like to wait.  I pray for God's mercy on all of us. 

Amen.








 

Premonition?

My mom's always been a tiny bit strange, but tonight I wasn't sure how to react to what she had to say.  I checked my phone and had a few missed calls from her, and started to panic in case something bad had happened.



Her budgie died today and she was feeling heartsore and needed someone to talk to.  I tried to make a few jokes to cheer her up, and we laughed a little bit.  We carried on chatting and all of a sudden she said on the ceiling she sees a perfect baby in a womb.  I felt a bit uncomfortable, and didn't really know what to say.  What could I say?  I guess things that happen to us hurt our parents too, when they would move heaven and earth to prevent any harm from coming to us, and take away any pain.  I then told her about our appointment with the FS in December, and said I would let her know how it goes and what he has to say.


Deep down in my heart I have hope.  Every day I hope.  I once read something along the lines of "you have a lot if you have hope" - I need to make sure that I don't run out.


Today I really miss my mom.  When she was here I wished she would go, I just wanted to be alone to deal with things.  We don't always get on that well, but today I want her here.  I could hug her to say I'm sorry about her budgie, and she could hug me back, the way that only moms know how to do.

What the heart has once owned and had, It shall never lose......

Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.  ~Anthony Brandt

Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope.  ~Author Unknown

Could it be...

...just a coincidence?


So here I sit, a few months down the line, wondering when or if it's going to happen.  If we'll ever be blessed with a baby.  I've tried to keep my mind off things, tried to keep busy, "pretending" not to care when deep down inside I really do care, and really want this. I've been really down in the dumps at times. A few days ago I threw yet another pity party for one. I've still been charting my cycles, adding in symptoms when and if there are any, cycle days, days we dtd etc.

Since Sunday (19th) I've had tender breasts. Anyway I charted that too (a symptom) and then went back to check the last few cycles since my ectopic and also some cycles last year. It seems a bit early for me to have tenderness. At least 2 weeks before AF is due.

I had a brainstorm... decided to check December's calendar as well (the month I fell pregnant) and my breasts were tender from about 2 weeks before AF was due. Normally it's only a few days (anything between 5-7 days).

Could it be a coincidence?

December 09 Cycle
AF started 2 December
AF was due 31 December
Tenderness from 19 December (12 days before AF was due)

June 10 Cycle
AF started on 6 June
AF due on 5 July
Tenderness from 20 June (15 days before AF is due)

Now to try get my mind off of this. 

I'm holding invisible thumbs, thinking invisible thoughts, hoping with all my heart.

Thinking back my first AF after my ectopic was the most painful I'd ever experienced. The pain was so terrible that I woke up from my sleep that night. It took a water bottle and a microwave heatable bean bag and some pain tablets to help. I couldn't fall asleep until the meds kicked in. The other cycles since then have been back to "normal", kind of right on schedule, some months no pain, others some, but nothing like that 'first' cycle. Thank goodness. If my breasts were tender, it was only a few days, and not every cycle.

I'm sitting here with question marks in my head, and hope in my heart, and a lump in my throat. I think for the mean time I'll enjoy the fantasy that I might be pregnant. If I am, that means my remaining tube might be ok, and my dream might be coming true.

For now I (still) wait.