Thoughts and Viva Espana!

I haven't felt like writing much this week, but I'm feeling pretty good today, so here's an update.  It's been a long, long week and I'm exhausted.  I've met my all deadlines for quarter end way before schedule, so I'm feeling really good about that.  The next thing on my to do list is to try and wake up early for work (again), and maybe only snooze my alarm once or twice, and not ten times.  I also plan to try and be more positive - but let's take that one day at a time.  Pity parties aren't that much fun after all, are they?  I'm sure I have been a total misery to live with the last while, and all the other feeling-sorry-for-myself days.  My husband, good friends and family have done wonders for pulling me out of my dark hole.


The other night I had another good cry.  I told Dh that I'm sorry, and I can't help the tears.  He just held me and said it's okay, he understands and he loves me, and he will still love me no matter what.  I really needed to hear that.  He said that maybe I will fall pregnant after I've finished grieving, and for now I just need to let it happen.


I've read that the emotional effects of losing a pregnancy can greatly affect a marriage, and that your relationship can become fragile.  To be honest there have been times (recently even) where I felt our relationship was strained, and all too often I think I forget that it was K's tragedy too.  I still feel so angry a lot of the time, and it's not fair on him.   I must just add that I'm blessed to have him in my life. He has done his best to give me grace, space, empathy and in a way I do feel closer to him because of it.  He holds me when I need comfort, and tells me it's okay when I can't see past tomorrow.  He's my strength.  It can't be easy to put on such a brave face all the time.  I'm not going to let this tear us apart.  


Some say that that grief is kind of language - it's feel it's true, it was a language I never fully understood until I felt it myself.  It's made me more passionate.  About life, about children being a gift, about not taking things for granted, about having more sympathy for others who are hurting, and those who are grieving, and passionate about being a mother one day.  

We look fabulous, don't you think? 

  

We have decided (that means me) to start eating a bit healthier.  Dh reckons that maybe if I'm eating more veggies I might start to feel a bit better.  I guess he doesn't really know what else to suggest at this stage.  Got to give him credit for trying.  If I don't get better I will (maybe) think about talking to someone, or taking meds.

I think I need to try to enjoy life a bit more.  Note to self, refer back to this post again (and again and again), remember take it one day at a time, laugh often, and  love my husband, a lot!  

DH bought us some awesome gear today for the final match of the SWC on Sunday.  We are supporting SPAIN!  Viva Espana!  I got a scarf and a flag, and he got a beanie and a flag.   

Healing Words

I've been healing slowly, physically.  I wonder when my heart will start to hurt less.

How very softly

you tiptoed into my world.

Almost silently; 

Only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint

you have left on my heart.

*Author Unknown*

...

"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

...

"Loved with a love beyond telling,

missed with a grief beyond all tears."

...

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  Luke 12:13

...

Let the children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the

kingdom of heaven belongs. Matthew 19:14

...

Some would say that you didn't exist

That you were not really born on earth

And that you do not count

Since you never experienced birth.

But you lived in God's heart

And in my heart ever more

Whether or not your tiny frame

Ever entered this earthly shore.

I have no pictures to place here

For our little family to view

But I place instead this little verse

To show that we remember you.

*Thena Smith*

...

God Bless the Mother 

Who has lost a child-

Heal her hurting, aching heart

And just hold her for a while

God give the Mother peace

Whose child you've called away-

And give her the joy in knowing

That they will reunite some day.

*Thena Smith*

..

Some people 

Come into our lives

And quickly go.

Some people move

Our souls to dance.

They awaken us to 

New understanding

With the passing whisper

Of their wisdom.

Some people make 

the sky more beautiful

To gaze upon.

They stay in our lives

For a while

Leave footprints on

Our hearts...

... And we are never, 

Ever the same

...