This weekend was my planned baby shower with family and friends. Hubby had arranged to have a braai for the guys and girls after who wanted to stay. My dad was also invited, and his girlfriend and her daughter were invited to the shower. I had to remind him to RSVP this week, and didn't hear from him again.
On Saturday morning I went to school, it was our last lecture - uh oh, 2 weeks to go until our final exam. It was freezing cold. Afterwards I came home, had a hot cup of milo and popped out to the shops. My planned baby shower was going to start at 2pm and I wanted to get a few snacks or sarmies to add to the table. My last stop was PNP, I went in to get a few bags of chips. Just as I got to the till I got an sms from my dad. They are not coming. No reason either, except for sorry, and he will see me in the week. I paid and got back to the car as fast as possible because I could feel that I was about to burst into tears. I sat in my car for a few minutes and just and cried my heart out. Yet another disappointment, thanks dad. I actually don't know why every time, I think he will actually show up. My mom can't be here as it is, I was so hoping that my dad would. I am so heart sore and so angry. I had to go to his girlfriend's daughter's baby shower, and I had just lost my baby, but I did it. I went. You would think that my dad would want to be a part of my life, a part of my son's life. I'm not going to force the issue or put in any extra effort any more. I'm really sad to say, but I am done.
I cried all the way home, only to find my step sister and friend had arrived to set up. Couldn't hide my big red eyes though. Hubby and everyone asked what had happened and I cried some more when I told them. They said I shouldn't let this upset me, but it still does.
I learnt this weekend who my 'family' is, and I am so thankful to have these people my life. My mom in law is the most special woman ever, and she's been such a blessing in my life. She spent the night here on Saturday night, and we stayed up chatting, snuggled on the couch. I know my mom would have been here if she could, and I miss her so much.
The day turned out to be incredible, and so much fun, after such a sad start. Everyone seemed to have gotten along so well and I have a few more new and wonderful memories to carry with me. We even ended up having a cake fight! Icing in your hair is not fun to try and wash out, but it was so worth it in the end.
So yes, I am starting my own little family with a bit of a sad heart - but I know that I will do everything in my power so that my boy never has to feel the way I did on Saturday, as well as every time I was disappointed, and every time I wished my parents would be there when they never were. I will be there for him, come rain or shine, happiness or sadness, every day of my life. I will eventually make peace with the fact that some might not want to be part of it, but for now I'm heart sore and angry and that's ok too. And, the best of all is I am starting to love my hubby that much more - can't wait for him to meet his son!
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. ~Kahlil Gibran
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