Update at Almost Six Months.

I can't believe we've nearly reached 6 months.  About high time for an update.

As we sit here today, Ashton is 5 and a half months old.  Life is busy.  I've started working again and between that and baby, dinner and life in general, I have almost no time for myself.  I need a date with my razor.  I planned to shave my legs over 3 weeks ago and I still haven't found the time to do it.  Disgusting isn't it?  I'm still expressing (read:  trying to express), still battling all the way and I can quite confidently say that while I have persevered with this from the start but it just isn't working.  I still have a whole lot of eglonyl left over so I'll just finish it all and then give it up.  I'm done with struggling with this.

We had to let the Nanny go.  What a drama.  She was all of a sudden slacking drastically in her work, so much so that we had to do our own washing and ironing.  Huh?  Add that to my list of things to do.  To add insult to injury, my baby started fussing excessively, nappies weren't changed often enough, bottles were made too hot - when we would try feed him it was a huge fight until he realised the bottle was cold and then it was an absolute pleasure to feed him.  I have been so stressed over the last couple of weeks.   

Also, her father passed away and apparently on his 'death bed' told her she is pregnant iwith a girl.  I laughed and ask her if she was and she said no.  The weekend came and went and the Monday monring she rushed up stairs to spill the beans, she IS pregnant, but only by about 3 months.  We gave her time off to attend the family meeting to prepare for the funeral, another day off to visit the doctor to confirm how far along she is, and another for her to renew her asylum papers.  I almost fell off my chair when she said she was in fact 6 months pregnant, and she never knew.  Well I must be bloody stupid but I can't figure out how / where she hid it.  Oh and the funniest bit, she needed to leave on maternity leave in December. Funny, now that I think of it when I asked if I can buy her a uniform she point blank declined the offer.  Anyway, I contacted the Nanny agency 2 days shy of when my guarantee was meant to be up, explained the situation and that we couldn't afford another placement fee they offered to replace her at no cost to us.  We paid for her training and helped her get a bank account, even agreed if she were to leave she would repay the training costs, but in the end we told her she didn't have to repay anything and we would give her a star reference. 

We have done interview after interview to try and find someone, even contacted Nursery Schools as a last resort.  4 weekends of interviews, about 6 or 7 nannies a time - that's a hell of a lot of Nannies.  I have been over eating due to stress and hubby commented the other day that I have gained so much I look pregnant.  Pfft.

We finally asked one of the candiates to come for a trial, but it didn't really work out, she couldn't even figure out how to make bottles.  And then, on the last day I think we found someone good, at least I hope.  She's with us now until we go away next week, and then she'll start officially on 6 January.  Some of the previous ones were so bad I had to cut the interviews short.  I started feeling desperate, but I wasn't going to settle on just anyone.

Ashton changing rapidly.  He is the most awesome little guy!  The light of my life.  Just a week ago he rolled over for the very first time and I was there to see it.  Two nights ago I taught him how to turn the pages in one of his little board books.  He has discovered his feet and goes crazy in his jolly jumper.  He is changing so quickly it amazes me.  I feel  really guilty for missing out on so much while I'm at work.  I guess that's the predicament us working moms land up in.  He is really such a happy baby, most of the time it's smiles and giggles but believe me he has his bad days too. 

My mom in law has been here for about 3 weeks, helping out by being here when the nannies were on trial.  Thank goodness for her.  I would be a nervous wreck. 

It was Ashton's 6 month check up at the Paed today and we also officially started solids today.  We gave him his first tastof rice cereal last weekend for the first time, and then also during the week.  He is now 7.1kgs and about 68cm tall.  While he is an ok weight, he needs to gain more to be in line with his height.  His legs have litreally shot out over the last 2-3 weeks.  He is such a long baby! 

We are going on holiday next week, a road trip down to my mom and family in Oudsthoorn - hope that goes well.  We will be staying over in Colesberg, so this will be a slow drive.  I can't wait for my Granny to meet him for the very first time!  From there we will spend a few days in Cape Town, and then start making our way home.  Apparently it is so hot down there at my mom and them, they are experiencing what feels like a permanent heat wave.  I'm stressing a bit about having Ashton there.

Life has never been more hectic that it is right now, but somehow we make it work.  I love every minute of being Ashton's mom.

Here's a sneak peak of my little monster, but I'll put up some more pictures later.

Heading for 4 Months...

Wow, what a year it's been.  I often sit in wonder when I think about all that has happened in 2012.  My little miracle boy is my reason for being and I feel so blessed to have him.  He is changing so quickly, and is his own little person already, and at times I think he has a really big personality for such a small boy.

October has been a mad month, I've had almost no time to do any blogging, so I'll do yet another flash update.  

Ashton has started doing so many new things...  he has started giggling and laughing, I can't help but laugh because it is so adorable.  Other than that, he smiles so often now, and chats to me about all sorts of things that for now only he will know about. He's mimicking sounds, moving his head in the direction of things - try walk away from him and he follows you.  

He loves to be held up in the air and moved from side to side, and if you make faces at him while he's up there, or smile at him he squeals in delight.  He must think we are silly.  You will be surprised at the things you do as a parent to try and get a response.  He is also sitting with support, but sometimes falls over.  We just say boom and smile at him, and then he smiles right back, no tears.

I got home yesterday to find him holding his zebra rattle, shaking it to hear the noise, and then grabbing it with his other hand and bringing it straight to his mouth.  There was gob every where.  He has been drooling up a storm.  Or a river.  He's also discovered the tags on his taglet, which is so awesome to watch.  I can sit for hours watching him play, it really does feel like I'm experiencing life through his eyes.  And I am going to be missing out on so much when I go back to work.

Sleeping is generally going okay.  Not wonderful.  What I will say though is we had a record night on Wednesday night.  He passed out at 20h45 but not without a fight - took me 45 minutes to get him down.  After his bath and massage, I dressed him in his pajamas and the second I had popped the last button in place, the crying started.  He cried and cried, and it got progressively worse.  He knew it was bed time and he wasn't having any of it.  Nothing.  Couldn't even bring the blanket close to try and wrap him.  Before long he was screaming, nothing I could do would make him stop.  I stood up, sat down, did both and rocked him, put him down on his back, his side, his tummy, you name it, nothing worked.  I put him down one last time and re-wrapped him, leaned him onto his changing mat, and supporting him with my arms I rocked him.  Next minute he just passed out.  Relief.  

Last night he woke up at 23h00, not because he was hungry, but because he was getting cold.  I wrapped him up again and cuddled him for a bit and then he went right back to sleep. 

It's actually quite sweet when he starts crying, he pushes his bottom lip out and does a sad little moan, which turns into a tiny little cry.  When it goes on forever though is when I forget all about how sweet it can be.

I've also spent a lot of my time this month training for my new job and I've been enjoying it so much.  I started with training on 3rd October and my last session will be on 31st October.  I am really excited to make a fresh start. 

To be honest, I have been a feeling a little down about leaving my baby when I return to work, for no other reason than feeling he might forget who I am.  In my heart of hearts I know he won't forget me, but there were two days when I got home from training and he didn't even give me a glance.  On both occasions it was quite a while before he noticed me, and then we were back to cooing and smiling and just melting his mommy's heart as per normal.

On Thursday morning I was cooling down a bottle in the bathroom basin, with Ashton in my arms.  He started gurgling and laughing and then I realised he had noticed himself in the mirror and was going beserk.  Too cute.  I took him into the bathroom again this morning and got a repeat - I must remember to take a video of it for keepsake.   

Speaking of videos... my father in law got us a video camera as a gift for our birthdays, it's so awesome!  Mind you, I made it to the big three oh this month.  It was an awesome pool party, three of us decided to combine our birthdays into one big bash.  I have to remember to post pictures at some stage.

We went for a free trial class at Edenvale Moms and Babes last week.  It was great.  You wouldn't think so, but it's a lot of stimulation for the little ones.  Ashton just plain refused to do a few of the exercises, and started moaning, and then crying.  He then went back to moaning, and then started gurgling and making loud noises so he became the centre of attention - luckily everyone else laughed.  I got to hear about so many new things and got a chance to chat to other moms afterwards, it was really informative.  Something that was said about the babies was that all of a sudden it will seem like a light switch went on, and they become totally aware of their surroundings.  I think it happened this week.

Ashton will be 4 months old in two days' time.  Just look at him.

    

A General Update

As of 1 November 2012 I will no longer be an unemployment statistic.  I have found what seems to be an awesome job!  I was starting to seriously run out of money with all the expenses we've incurred since Ashton's birth, and I believe this position came around at just the right time.  I'm excited to make a fresh start.  I went for my first interview at the beginning of August, second interview at the end of August.  I was upfront about my start date, and that I needed time off in December and that was alright with them. 

I was feeling so heart sore from missing my mom that I phoned my stepdad to ask him if she would be okay to come for a visit.  It was difficult to get her to the airport, so she caught the bus.  I bought her a ticket and when I phoned to tell her she was coming to visit she cried out of happiness!  She spent the entire day hugging her dog.  She is spending a week and a half with us, and might extend her stay to spend some time with my brother.  Anyway, here's a funny story - I put a special note on her ticket about her condition and that she can be forgetful - just as well.  Her bus arrived really late, I actually started worrying that she was stranded somewhere.  Her phone died when she reached Welkom, so that was the last message I had received.  When she arrived I ran to the bus door to get her, and the hostesses gave me her things, and also helped her get off the bus.  We then got into the car and I was about to head home when she said she had forgotten her suitcases!  So we stop the car, climb out and there 2 of the crew come running, both yelling that we are forgetting her luggage!  Lol.  So they brought her 4 bags to the car and we got them loaded.  I should have known, my mom still doesn't travel light.  We had a good giggle in the end.  I got a bit of a fright when I first saw her get off that bus, looked like she had aged 20 years.  Her hair was scraggly and the last dye job had just about grown out, nails long and nail polish half rubbed off, eyes older than I had ever seen. We did mani's and a fresh dye job and she already felt so much better!

Things with my dad are going better for now.  I sent him an email telling him about how I feel, and he replied eventually.  We mailed back and forth a few times, and we went to them one Sunday afternoon to celebrate a birthday.  I just needed him to know how hurt I had been feeling, especially since he didn't even come to the hospital to see his new grandson.  He said he would try to visit more.

My brother is doing as well as always.  He's career obsessed.  His girlfriend isn't well though, she's been diagnosed with Ankolysing Spondalitus (sp?) - which means she is in excruciating pain most of the time.  I pray that they will find a cure.  My brother is so stressed about it.  She is his "one" and I think he would fall apart if anything ever had to happen to her.

I finally did get to write my exam in August - can't remember now if I've posted about that, but I got 91% for it in the end.  I passed with distinction.  I see that as a huge feat, considering the circumstances at the time, so I'm really pleased with myself.

We have hired a Nanny for Ashton.  We went through an agency... Nannies In Training. I heard that apparently they are excellent. We chose 6 CVs out of the 12 that were sent to us. Two were already placed, my first and third choice. Last Sunday we interviewed the 4 ladies at Wimpy. Joyce was our first choice based on the CVs. Three of the ladies interviewed really well, and hubby preferred Joyce in person, I really liked Prosperous and Thula. I liked Joyce but had a sense that something was off as one or two things on her CV didn't make sense. We wrote them off as just being a typo. The reason we would have gone with Joyce was due to her having been on a first aid course already, and on paper she seemed a good fit. I asked her if her first aid certificate needed to be renewed and she said no.

We then asked for Joyce to come for a second interview as I wanted to see her interaction with Ashton. Anyway she came in on Friday last week, but we had to put an offer on the table prior to her arriving as someone else wanted her already. So she arrived, we got talking, and I felt uneasy. Some other things didn't make sense - she never even did first aid training, had no experience with babies, had no idea how to hold him, her surname was different, she lived somewhere else, her son was 8 and not 5 among other things. This played on my mind the whole day and I felt I wouldn't be 100% comfortable with her looking after my baby unsupervised, although she was a really nice person. She reminded me a bit of Caster Semenya - both her voice and her face. Hubby got home after a while she left. Something came over me and as I closed the gate and turned to look at him, I burst into tears (yes, again!). Hubby gave me one of his big old bear hugs and I couldn't put my finger on it but in my heart of hearts I didn't want to leave my son with this woman. I suppose you don't want to leave your children with anyone, but I just couldn't leave him with HER. She didn't even know to hold his neck, or pick him up properly, and those are two basic things. The feeding didn't go that well either, and it wasn't that she was nervous. It seemed like she had never done this before. On Saturday morning I woke up with the same horrible feeling. I told my hubby about what was playing on my mind and said I was going to call the agency to chat to them. I'm so relieved I did that because it was actually huge mix up. They had 2 Joyces on the cards, and managed to swap them around. The real Joyce never got to meet us, but you could almost swear it was the right person at the first meeting. The agency was very apologetic and offered to fix the mess. I then immediately asked for Prosperous to come for a second interview as well as a meeting with the real Joyce. Thula had already been placed.

Let me just say, Prosperous came in on Sunday, and she was so good with Ashton that I felt 100% more comfortable with the idea of leaving him with her. She also used her own initiative and went on the child minding / baby care course and scored 97%. She didn't have first aid training though, but I'm happy to send her on it. We were supposed to meet real Joyce today, but the agency phoned to say she had injured herself and had to go to hospital. We then decided to go with Prosperous. I feel so bad for other Joyce though, as she now has to accept an offer (less money) from another family, but I can't let that stop me from hiring the right nanny for Ashton. He is the most important thing at the end of the day. I did request that the agency liaises with her regarding their mess up, and I told them I want another free course for Prosperous. She has already done the baby and toddler care course (which forms part of the placement fee), so no point in redoing it unless she plans to get 100%. The agency offered to cover her fees for a Home Care course, and I will be paying for her First Aid course.  Means she will have some additional qualifications to add to her CV.

In my heart of hearts, I don't think I'll ever really trust someone completely with my child, but with Prosperous I at least have a good feeling.

Things with hubby are okay.  I miss sleeping next to him.  I still sleep in the baby's room, but some nights I cuddle with hubby in our bed until it's time for him to go to sleep.  I really need to move back in there, I'm still his wife even though I've become a mother.  I guess I just want to be close in case the baby needs me so I'll deal with that another time.

We have Smiles

I haven't had a chance to write, it's been a good few weeks since I last posted.  Life got a bit mad all of a sudden.  My little stringbean turned 3 months old on 28 September.  3 Months??!

Let me write an update seeing that it's been a while.

We took Ashton for his 10 week vaccinations on 8 September.  He cried a little bit, but then it was over.  No fever this time around.  The night before was a rough night.  For some reason he wasn't sleeping very well, and would be up every few minutes when he did fall asleep, most of the time he just wouldn't fall asleep.  Oh my word, I thought I was going to die.  I was exhausted, and tearful and hubby and I were fighting about this baby not sleeping.  Hubby was blaming me, saying it's my fault he won't sleep at night because he feels I let him sleep for too long during the day.  Babies need all the sleep they can get as far as I know. 

I felt like such a failure and burst into tears over and over again, everything just got too much.  I spent the entire Friday night crying, while doing yet another night shift (I do all of them).  For a moment I felt like I wanted to run away. 

At the clinic the nurse could see something was up and she asked that dreaded question - are you okay?  More tears.  She listened to both of us and said she understands both our points of view, gave us a business card for a sleep therapist if we really get desperate, and said it is rough.  She had child welfare rock up at her house because her baby just screamed day and night, nothing she did would work.  Ashton also had a few crying sessions, where he was inconsolable, which is like hell.  Nothing I did would comfort him.  I obviously misunderstood what hubby was trying to say (you will do that if you are broken from having no sleep), and he misunderstood me and my tears.  We were also given books to read on sleep, and advised to follow Sleep Sense, which I started reading that very day. Sleep Sense has been my saving grace. 

They also suggested we try soy formula, which was an utter disaster.  Never going to try that again.  If we want continuous screaming fits, we should stick to that.  Went back to using our good old S26 gold quick quick and he's far happier on that.

Ashton point blank refuses to let me swaddle him, while he's awake any way.  We had a few more difficult nights, but slowly it got better.  I now know how to "put" him to sleep - it works 7 times out of 10.  The trick is to get him into a drowsy state, when his eyes look like they are rolling back into his head (lol), or start getting so heavy he can't keep them open, that is when I swaddle him tightly, rock him a little longer and then put him down BEFORE he falls fast asleep.  If I wait till he's sleeping and then put him down in his cot, it's game over, I have these two round eyeballs looking right back at me and we have to start all over again. 

We finally got a smile!! I thought I was going to cry it was so awesome.  After those hectic days seeing him smile just made it all worthwhile.  We finally have a response.  He hasn't stopped smiling since, and it's the best thing ever.  I feel envious when he smiles at other people, I want them all to myself.

So we recorded our first smile at 10 weeks 4 days.  If you take his prematurity into account, his "adjusted age" was 4 weeks 4 days.   What a long time to wait to see this smile, but I tell you it is worth waiting for.  I could just melt.  These were the first smiles I managed to catch on camera.

8 Weeks and Counting

I took Ashton for his 8 week checkup today. I also had my 6 week checkup at 11am (yes I am 2 weeks late). They are in the same building.

My appointment went well - The doctor asked a few questions, and did a scan on me and said "Okay, I see you are not pregnant, which is good" - I think for the first time I was relieved to hear that! We chatted for a while, about pregnancy and he said he felt so bad for us for trying for so long. He said it took him a long time to forget about my emergency surgery. He said he kept remembering how blue my face was, and that I told him "please don't let me die". The poor man! Anyway, he got to hold Ashton for a bit and even posed for a photo. Smiles all around. Both him and his receptionist said Ashton looks like Kevin! So it must be true, because everyone is saying that...

Ashton's appointment was at 1:15pm. I got there early and it was utter chaos. I said I'd sit and wait, but they sent me away and said I have to come back later grrr. And phone before I come. I had to feed and change my baby in the car. We then had a snooze while we waited for the time to pass. I turned the aircon on every now and then, it was quite warm out today. Snotty women. Anyway my phone died so I couldn't call. I went back at 1:45pm. Less chaos. Paed was running late. I finally got to go through to her room at 3:00pm only for her to run out to the hospital due to problems with a caesarian. Grrr. She was back by 3:30. I was given tea while I waited, and when she returned she offered me some biscuits which of course I helped myself to. Paying a fortune to be there, might as well make the most of it.

Anyway, she's very happy with Ashton. His pinky finger on his right hand isn't a worry just yet, she said it's just a quirk, and likely genetic. We must just keep an eye on it. So one of our families must have weird pinky fingers.

He weighs 4,58 kgs now and is 55 cms in length. Starting to grow like a weed, no wonder we have upped his formula so drastically. He's still considered small, but doing really well on the whole.

What a relief. So happy.

Oh, and I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Well, considering I weighed this much, then lost 5 to 6 kgs, then gained a bit... just have a really wobbly tummy and love handles.

Else, we've had a few rough nights. Earlier this week, there was a suicide hour (or suicide night). He cried and cried and there was nothing I could do to console him. Kevin came in and took him from me, and he stopped. Just like that. I then burst into tears and came downstairs to make tea. Hubby calmed him down and when he got downstairs we chatted and he said we are a team and I shouldn't feel bad about what happened.

Hubby's dad popped in last weekend, we were alone in the baby's room and he told me he's been wanting to tell me something. I asked him what it is and he said "Thank you for giving me a grandson" and a big bear hug!  I just teared up.  Wish my family was as interested and wanted to be as big a part of Ashton's life as hubby's family does.  I feel so sad about this, but there is nothing I can do to change it.  I keep phoning, messaging, emailing photos.  My dad has visited twice, and didn't even come to the hospital, yet has visited his girlfriend's daughter's husband in hospital for 116 days in a row.  I just don't understand.  It really hurts.

4 Weeks Old...

Another week done and Ashton is 4 weeks old.

He's gained so nicely, I had him weighed on Wednesday and he is now 3,02 kgs.  Still can't get over his size, for example, how tiny his little thumb is when compared to mine and how his bottle looks so big.

This little boy is such a blessing and I'm enjoying him so much.  He's getting stronger by the day.  Last week we were sitting downstairs and heard him over the monitor, he wasn't crying or anything but making his usual noises - grunting and so on - and then we heard a new noise.  Hubby went up to see what he was up to and he called me to come and see - Ashton had squirmed up and out of his blankets, and he was sucking on his little elephant toy which is attached to the side of the cot, quite a bit away from where he was sleeping.  We were completely amazed.  I'll try upload the video, but for now here's a photo:

Our puppy Pepper seems to have taken liking to him, or at least found her new favourite spot to lie... she came to have a snooze with us on the bed one afternoon and then later, when I went in to check on him she ran into the room and went to sit near to him, resting her front paws on him.  So sweet.

Last night Mil stayed over, and she did the pajama drill for me.  I got to sleep next to my hubby for the first time since we came home from the hospital.  Not that I got any rest - I woke up so often.  Today hubby and I spent the day together and his mom looked after Ashton for us.  We needed the time out together and it was actually such a good day today!  It was good for us to jave a little catch up.  I feel so blessed to have hubby's mom aound to help us, and she is just crazy about her grandson.  I've alrady asked her to come and watch him a few times.  Twice so that I could sleep, and once so that I could go to interviews.

We haven't received the results from Ashton's blood tests yet.  Can't remember if they were due this week or next week.  I'll phone to follow up though.

My brother came to visit and held Ashton for the first time.  He was so proud.  Totally out of his comfort zone though!  Shame he's been working so hard over the last few he looked exhausted - but still a very proud uncle.

Hubby is just smitten with his little boy.  It's so precious to see it can just melt your heart.  I'll do a separate post about this.  I love my boys so, so much! 

I really miss my mom.  Wish she would get better so that she can come and visit us.  I'm really worried about her.  I phoned her on Thursday last week and for the first time she openly told me about what happened to her, and her state of health.  We spoke for quite a long time, and had some laughs too - I had a complete blonde moment too.  She was telling me about how she still can't use her left hand because it's pretty much lame, and she gets really frustrated - a little example she gave was that her right arm has been so itchy and she couldn't even scratch it - so she told her doctor and the advice she got was to practice picking up some pieces of spaghetti out of a bowl... and put them down in another bowl.  Without thinking any further I asked her in a really confused state "but how does that help with your itch?" - there was silence on the phone and then we both burst into laughter. 

On the job front - I'm not stressing too much about finding a new job at this stage - there are a few opportunities out there, and I keep looking, so we will see what comes my way.  The thing I need to decide is, do I want a full time well paid job, or will I settle for less and be happy with that.  I always said I would never be able to be a stay at home mom, but after having Ashton I keep thinking that I actually could.

I had my hair done on Saturday - a little darker so that I won't have the expense of upkeep with the blonde for now.  It looks okay but I'll probably go blonde again at some stage.

Anyway.  If I could have anything, it would be for my mom to get better.  As for everything else, I have everything I need.