Feeling like a failure.

There, I said it.  I'm having a down day today, I'm over sensitive, defensive and generally not nice to be around.  I feel like a failure.  I can't give him his family that he so desperately wants.  I see him with other people's kids, and my heart breaks over and over again.  Then at home he plays with our dogs, and I think, shame this is all he has.  Dogs.  

All the talking in the world can't make me feel any better right now.  I told him last week, that I feel like a failure and he brushed me off, and told me to stop feeling like that.  I've been stewing about it ever since.  Then on Friday he phoned me at work to tell me he's sorry for what he said, and that he loves me no matter what happens, and if this isn't for us, we can adopt a little one. So I was in tears again. 

Generally I've been doing a lot better, but today I can't stop the tears.  Something is missing from our lives, from my life.  I keep wondering what if, and  I honestly don't know if I can do keep doing this.  I wish I could just forget.  

We went to visit friends today, and as hard as I tried, I didn't feel like being there.  I didn't care about what their child could say or do, or how much they showed this off, how much they spoke about him or how many photos I had to look at - nothing impressed me.  Don't they get it???  Just leave me alone, don't tell me things I don't want to hear, I need to protect myself, my heart, my mind.  Don't expect me to be excited that your child can say random words, remind me that he's turning two... he's yours, you be excited.  I'm just not feeling it today.